


Weakness and Strength

by Marchling



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst, Gen, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, Hypothermia, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Protective Siblings, Sort Of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:15:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 31,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23343814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marchling/pseuds/Marchling
Summary: Years ago, when Alec, Izzy and Jace were just starting going on missions, Alec pushed Jace out of the way of a rare and lethal demon. The demon's power rested in ice and its venom almost froze its victims to death. Alec survived but was warned that he would never truly be cured. The venom would rise up in his blood again and again.With Valentine making moves against everyone Alec loves, Jace trapped in the Institute and his relationship with Magnus still so new, it's the worst time for the venom to strike him down again... but that's exactly what's happening.---He had never gotten the story about how Jace and Izzy had killed the demon out of them. All he knew was that they had done it and had gotten him home.Alec only remembered what happened next in small flashes of memory. The Silent Brothers, his parents and siblings. A cold so terrible Alec could only curl up against Jace’s searing skin and cry. Weakness that nearly stopped his heart and pain that made him wish for it. No runes or magic to help because those only made the venom stronger.He had survived, one of only a handful of Shadowhunters who had managed it.Nothing he did would keep it from coming again.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 230
Kudos: 1132





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This story is set during a sliver in time in the second season. To make things easier, here's what you need to know:
> 
> \- Jace has just been revealed to be Valentine's son and Clary's brother. He's gotten back from the City of Bones and is on lockdown in the Institute (now that I think about it, this story is more relevant to our current quarantine lifestyle than I thought!) 
> 
> \- Alec and Magnus' relationship is still in it's early stages
> 
> \- Aldertree is in charge of the Institute
> 
> The story will explain as it goes and I hope everyone enjoys it!

* * *

**Chapter One**

* * *

Alec had felt it before he even opened his eyes.

A mundane illness would have been more welcome. A stab wound, cracked bones… anything short of a fatal injury would have been his preference. That could be healed with a rune and maybe a day’s rest if it was really bad.

He hadn’t felt this way in nearly two years and like a fool he had silently hoped that it was gone, that he was done dealing with the aftermath of a choice he would never regret but always hate.

Slowly, Alec opened his eyes and hissed when the light streamed through his open windows and hit his face. He felt tired as if he had never even fallen asleep after patrol last night. His muscles ached and his stomach felt just off enough that he would keep it simple when he ate next. Those were easy to deal with. If it was only that, he could pretend that this wasn’t happening to him _again_.

It was the coldness, deep down to his bones, that told him the truth and taunted him with what was to come.

Alec sat up in bed and bit back a groan. Jace would come as soon as he woke up and felt this on Alec’s end of their bond. He always did. They were finally repairing what had gotten strained between them but even if they were still fighting, he knew without a shadow of a doubt that Jace would be at his side, waiting for this to take him over again.

Jace blamed himself for what had happened. It wasn’t his fault, not really, and Alec had never once blamed him but Jace couldn’t shake it.

They had only been taking missions for about a year and a half. Their success rates and the way the rest of the Institute had treated them had gone to all of their heads probably, but Jace’s most of all. He wasn’t reckless on missions but he felt invincible in ways that bled over into Alec as well. Even Izzy had been a little cockier back then.

The _pruinae_ demon had knocked them back down to earth just fine.

They hadn’t been alone. _Pruinae_ demons were rare and lethal. It would have been suicide to send just three, no matter how good they were. There were other Shadowhunters in the building that night, luckily for Alec, but it had been just them hunting in that wing of the abandoned hospital that intel had directed them to. They had been at it nearly an hour and in that time they had relaxed their guards.

Izzy had said something teasing and dirty about some girl that Jace had seen the night before and Jace had laughed. They were unfocused, their attention not on the mission.

Then, Alec had seen it.

The image of the demon, white and almost pearlescent with a strange covering of something like ice over its body, and the sound of Jace laughing were the last things that he remembered.

Apparently it had lunged at Jace, mouth open and teeth ready with a venom that killed nearly everyone it bit. Only Alec had been at the right angle to see it. Jace said Alec had knocked him down before he had even realized what was happening.

He had never gotten much of the story about how Jace and Izzy had killed the demon out of them. They, Jace especially, weren’t the types to keep their more spectacular kills quiet but no one outside of the Clave had ever heard the full story. All Alec knew was that they had done it and had gotten him home.

Alec only remembered what happened next in small flashes of memory. The Silent Brothers, his parents and siblings. A cold so terrible Alec could only curl up against Jace’s searing skin and cry. Weakness that nearly stopped his heart and pain that made him wish for it. No runes or magic to help, because those only made the venom stronger.

He had survived, one of only a handful of Shadowhunters who had managed it. Currently, he was the only living Shadowhunter who had survived the bite of the _pruinae_.

After, the Silent Brothers had warned him that he would relapse. Jace and Izzy had their arms wrapped around his miserable shoulders while his parents stood behind him and fired question after question at them. They hadn’t had many answers.

The illness would come back, the _cold_ would come back, and it would ruin Alec again and again. Not as terribly as the first time but bad enough. It wouldn’t last as long either but there was no way to predict when it would come. There was no way to tell him if it would ever stop.

Seven months later, their warning had come true.

Not including when he had been bitten, this would be the third time. If the pattern held true, Alec would have all of today and most of tomorrow before things got really bad.

He stood up slowly, unwilling to find out how lightheaded he felt the hard way. “Why now?” He muttered, angry with his own body for betraying him at the worst possible time. Valentine was out there with the Mortal Cup while Jace and Clary were trapped inside the Institute. They needed all hands on deck and Alec was going to be out of the hunt for at least five days. Probably a week. They couldn’t afford this.

Slowly, he shuffled towards his bathroom and the hot shower that would make him feel slightly less cold. That would stave off the start of this for only so long though.

Nothing he did would keep it from coming.

**\---**

Two hours later, Alec was showered and dressed when the door to his bedroom cracked open.

“You up?” Jace called softly.

“Yeah,” Alec answered. He went to the door, pulled it open the rest of the way and nearly sighed when he saw Jace standing there with a tray of food on the other side. His _parabatai_ cooked almost never but that didn’t mean he wasn’t capable of it. He was actually pretty good. That said, he usually could only be bothered when something horrible had happened so it was kind of a joke between him and Izzy.

_How are your ribs? Jace made you tomato soup._

_Mom is on a warpath. Jace roasted a chicken._

_Tell Jace your leg still hurts and maybe he’ll make us spaghetti._

His stomach felt off but of course Jace had known it would. The plate held a veggie omelet and a stack of barely buttered toast that was taller than the mug of tea steaming next to the glass of orange juice that was probably intended for Jace but would be Alec’s if he looked at it too long.

“Breakfast in bed?” Alec joked. He moved out of the way to let Jace in his room.

Jace set the tray down on Alec’s desk, “You don’t have to eat it in bed but you do have to have the whole thing.”

Alec wanted to make a sarcastic comment about Jace being his mother or something but that would be stupid on two counts. One, when this happened Maryse had never done anything more than take the three of them off active duty for a week so Jace and Izzy could take care of him. And two, they both knew that once this got serious, Alec would be unable to eat much of anything. Jace was just trying to offset that and keep him from losing too much weight. It would be cruel and dumb of him to mock his _parabatai_ for trying to look out for him.

Again, he sighed. That was one of the worst parts of this whole thing, how completely out of his control things got. He sat down on his bed and grabbed a piece of toast. “Thanks.”

Jace sat down beside him. He was fidgeting with the hem of his sleeve and Alec felt a pang of guilt. This wasn’t just awful for him.

“Don’t thank me.” Jace said uncomfortably. “You talk to Aldertree yet?”

Alec shook his head. “No and I’m not looking forward to it.”

“It’s all in your file, in case he doesn’t trust your word.” Jace tensed then, “At least I’m already on lockdown, we don’t have to worry about emergency missions while you’re laid up.”

“You said laid up like I’m going to be bored and resting for a couple of days.” Alec said a little bitterly.

Jace wrapped an arm around Alec’s shoulders and shook him a little, “Hey, you’re going to be okay. I’m going to make sure of it.”

“Yeah, I know.” Alec agreed. “Doesn’t mean this isn’t going to suck.”

“That’s one way of putting it, I guess.” Jace laughed. It sounded a little forced but Alec didn’t dare call him out on it. His _parabatai_ had been tense enough since his return from the City of Bones. Having a new mother and a sister coupled with a returned father and being trapped in the Institute was already a lot for Jace to deal with. “You going to tell Magnus?”

Alec’s fork stopped halfway up to his mouth. “I hadn’t really thought about it.” That was probably on purpose, if he was being honest.

It was interesting that Jace had even asked. They hadn’t really talked much about how Alec was dating the High Warlock of Brooklyn. He could tell that Jace didn’t strongly disapprove but beyond that he wasn’t really sure what Jace’s thoughts about the whole thing were.

“I think you should.” Jace said. “I know he can’t really help, at least magically, but he should at least know why you’re going to be MIA for while.” He hesitated, “But, Alec, if you want him here…”

“I don’t,” Alec said instantly. He felt Jace’s surprise echo his own. A big part of him _did_ want Magnus there with him. Magic and runes couldn’t help him, in fact they made the symptoms intensify, but Magnus wasn’t only his magic.

Jace had their bond blown wide open so he could monitor how Alec felt. Alec could feel that Jace didn’t believe him.

“Alec…”

“I don’t want him to… to see me like that.” Alec whispered. “You have to promise me that later, if I ask for him you won’t call him.”

Jace’s voice went low and gentle, “I think you know I can’t promise that. Alec, you know when you’re feeling that awful I’d do just about anything you asked me.”

A dozen little memories of the worst moments of his sicknesses in the past hit Alec forcefully. He knew he was asking his brother for a lot. At some point in the not so distant future he would be writhing in bed, half frozen and crying in pain and he would probably ask for Magnus. And Jace would be beside him, unable to keep him warm enough or ease his pain or get him to eat. He would be desperate to do anything to help Alec. If he thought that having Magnus close would help ease Alec’s misery, he would bring the warlock to them.

He felt a little bit like scum but he couldn’t help it, “I _do_ know what I’m asking you, Jace, and I’m sorry. I know it’s a lot. I won’t be myself then but I’m myself now. Please, I don’t want Magnus to know about this.”

He could see Jace’s jaw clench as he held himself back from saying probably a hundred different things. Jace was always at his most protective with this was happening and the urge to take care of Alec was warring with two very different ways to do that. “I promise I’ll try.” He said finally. Before Alec could say anything, Jace pulled him into a hug. “Alec, that’s the best I can do. I promise I’ll try.”

Jace’s arms around him bled out some of the tension that had been building in him since before he had even fully woken up. His brother was warm and familiar, both things that Alec was going to desperately need before long. He didn’t want to make himself any more of a burden on him than he was already going to be. “Okay. Thank you, Jace.”

“What did I just say about thanking me?” Jace said, fond and exasperated at the same time. Normally, their hug would have been over by now. They had been more hands on when they were younger, before Alec’s mixed up feelings had put him on edge. In the last few years, their hugs were usually nothing more than a quick clap on the back.

Now though, all normal rules were out the window. His siblings knew no boundaries and Alec didn’t have the ability to push them away. Until he was himself again, they were going to be all over him.

Jace squeezed him tighter before letting him go and grabbing the mug off the tray to push into Alec’s hands. “Drink some of that and finish your breakfast.”

This time, the teasing answer felt more genuine and less brittle. “Sure, Mom.”

“Very funny, jerk.”

**\---**

Jace had reluctantly let Alec go do his own thing after he had dutifully finished breakfast. He knew Jace had plenty more he wanted to say about the whole thing but he was usually willing to let Alec play at having choice and dignity before it all got smashed to pieces.

Not even an hour later, he sort of regretted pushing his _parabatai_ away. He was restless and nothing he came up with doing felt right.

He wanted to go visit Magnus badly and knew the warlock would welcome him with open arms. He would be warm and kind and gorgeous and Alec would want to tell him and be comforted in a way that only Magnus could accomplish. He honestly wasn’t sure that he could keep this a secret from Magnus if he saw him face to face and that was why he couldn’t go to the loft.

He meant what he’d said to Jace. He didn’t want Magnus to know. He didn’t want to burden him with the shivering wreck he would become.

Once seeing Magnus was out of the equation, there was nothing outside of the Institute that really mattered.

He could go see Izzy, because she at least wouldn’t know yet unless Jace had told her behind his back. He would eventually, probably, but unless Izzy happened upon him cooking the secret was most likely safe for a while longer.

Mind made up, Alec turned around and headed towards the labs. Her shift would only be half over, but she usually never minded if her brothers crashed it to hang out with her unless there was something particularly interesting going on. Unless something had come in over the last few hours that Alec was unaware of, she wouldn’t mind him being there however long it took to work up the nerve to go talk to Aldertree and reveal his weakness to a man he didn’t like or even particularly respect.

The other positive to the plan was that Jace wasn’t big on hanging around the labs. He would go if necessary or if the two of them really wanted to hang out with Isabelle but he usually always preferred spending his downtime sparring or wandering around the city. He probably wouldn’t go down there, at least not right away. With Jace, all bets were off when Alec got this kind of sick.

“Hey big brother,” Izzy greeted him almost before he had even gotten through the doorway. She had on a lab coat and latex gloves and was peering down into a microscope.

“How…?” He trailed off, confused.

Izzy laughed, “I would know your broody walk anywhere.”

Alec rolled his eyes, “Yeah right.” He walked in and sat gingerly in a chair just behind her. Folding his achy body into a new position was already a little painful. Still, getting off his feet was worth it. He just hoped that Isabelle, forever aware of what Alec was wearing so she could disapprove of it, wasn’t going to comment about his thicker than usual sweater.

“Trust me, Alec, you have a very specific walk when you’re in a gloomier mood than usual. What’s wrong?” She asked lightly. Clearly she didn’t think it was anything major though, or she would have had more to say or even turned to look at him. Alec relaxed just a little because that meant Jace hadn’t told her yet.

“Nothing,” He said, aiming for a tone that was as casual as he was capable of, “Just restless.”

Izzy finally pulled back from the microscope’s eyepiece but it was to share a commiserating look with him. “I know, sitting in here while Valentine is out there is grating on my nerves too.”

“What are you working on?” Alec asked. Partially it was because he was curious but it was also because he wanted her attention back on whatever sample she was analyzing.

She sighed and Alec knew instantly that her work wasn’t going the way she wanted it to. “More of Valentine’s experiments. Just trying to get a handle on his work.” She turned back around to pull the slide out and set it back down in what looked like an excessively secure box, “We haven’t had many breakthroughs.”

Considering what sinister things Valentine had been cooking up was probably for the best. Having ways to counteract the things he did was a good thing but giving the Clave any way of recreating his work _wasn’t_.

“I’m surprised Jace hasn’t forced you to spar with him yet,” Izzy continued. She turned back to flash him a quick grin before pulling out a different slide, “He was bothering me half of yesterday about it. I might be hiding from him a little.”

“He doesn’t do great cooped up,” Alec agreed. Honestly, he wasn’t sure what to think about Jace being trapped in the Institute. On the one hand, he was safer in the wards and not out there for Valentine to steal away again. On the other, Jace was their best fighter and benching him was handicapping them when they didn’t need it.

Maybe Jace was right. Alec’s timing was still awful but at least this would take Jace and Isabelle out of the fight for a few days at the minimum.

As for Clary being equally trapped, it went without saying that it was a good thing. Locking her in a closet would probably be even better. The less she had to work with the fewer headaches she could create for him.

“We should do something fun tonight, after patrol. Break into his room with pizza and ice cream or something. We haven’t done that in too long.” Izzy suggested.

She was right, it had been months, maybe even a year since they had one of those kinds of nights. Yesterday he would have jumped at the idea. Today, it made his guilt twist uncomfortably. Izzy had no idea what kind of nights they were in for.

“Isabelle,” Alec started.

A new set of footsteps interrupted them and Alec stopped talking instantly. Telling his sister was one thing and telling Aldertree would be a necessary evil. No one else needed to know.

A tall woman stood in the doorway. A newer transfer to help them replenish their numbers now that Valentine was hitting them hard. Alec narrowed his eyes at her. He could barely remember her name. Tara? Trina?

“Aldertree sent me to find the both of you. He needs you in his office,” She said with a firm voice that Alec could appreciate. Maybe he should actually try to learn her name, if she was competent.

Izzy nodded and stood up to start putting away her research, “Thank you Cara.”

_Cara_ , oh well, he was closer with his first guess.

Cara turned away without another word and left the two of them alone.

“Well, let’s go see what he wants,” Izzy said grudgingly, “We can plan the surprise for Jace after.”

Alec sighed and stood while biting back a groan. Maybe he would kill two birds with one stone. First though, he would wait to see what Aldertree wanted to say.

He just hoped it wasn’t going to be yet more bad news.

**\---**

A mission.

Alec felt his heart sink into his stomach. A mission with just the two of them, just him and Izzy. That Aldertree was going to send just them told Alec everything he needed to know.

There was a den of demons that the Institute had been tracking, Aldertree said. They were three possible locations. A team would be sent to each location and should be prepared for anything. The other two teams had four people on them. If Jace had been allowed to join them Alec wouldn’t have blinked at being assigned a team with one less member than the others. The three of them together were more than good enough for a mission like this. That Aldertree wasn’t replacing Jace with anyone else said that there _wasn’t_ anyone else and he was counting on their reputation to be as good as he had heard.

If Alec backed out, Izzy wouldn’t be allowed to stay behind with him and Jace no matter how things had gone in the past or how sick Alec got. The realization felt like a shard of ice in his gut.

Maybe during the day and maybe she would even be excused from patrols but for missions like this, critical ones, she would be given to a new team and sent out there with no brothers to watch her back. The only person that Alec trusted to watch out for his little sister besides himself was Jace.

He barely heard Aldertree giving them the specifics or the questions that Izzy asked. He should have paid attention, though, because he needed to know.

He needed to know everything about this mission because he was going on it.

It was stupid to even consider it. Just because he usually had about forty hours before the real fireworks started, didn’t mean that was a guarantee. He could deteriorate rapidly and that was a liability. If he had any brain in his skull at all, he would confess to Aldertree and Izzy. He would get benched just like Jace and he would let his sister be the badass Shadowhunter that she was without her big brothers by her side. He trusted Izzy.

But he didn’t really trust any of the others. If they made a mistake and Izzy paid the price…

If he was smart, he wouldn’t go.

He was going.

What needed to happen in between now and when darkness fell and he and Izzy were due to go out was complex and he only had a few hours to make it all happen. He had never been very good at actively manipulating Jace or Izzy. Evading, sure, but actually outright lying to their faces? Not so much.

He needed to keep Izzy and Jace from getting a chance to talk, for starters. After that, he needed to distract Jace long enough to get out the door and hopefully get back through it. Even if Jace found out halfway through, there was a good chance that he wouldn’t be able to get out of the Institute to go after Alec.

Step one was easier and immediate. He and Izzy walked out of Aldertree’s office and he stopped her a few steps into the hall. “Hey, Iz,” He said quietly.

She stopped immediately, dark eyebrows pulled together in concern, “What is it, Alec?”

“Let’s not talk about this mission in front of Jace.” He suggested, “You know how upset he is about being locked in the Institute.”

Izzy nodded, concern evaporating as she thought she understood. He felt bad for playing on her love for Jace. Still, he got what he wanted when she agreed, “You’re right. He’ll know later when we’re gone but then we’ll be back with his surprise so he won’t be so mad we didn’t tell him we weren’t just patrolling.”

Alec gave her a tight smile, “Exactly.”

She patted his arm and started walking again, “I’m heading down to the lab to finish up some research. I’ll meet up with you before we head out, okay?”

That was perfect but being too enthusiastic about having her down the labs where Jace wasn’t probably going to go would be a flag that she would notice. Instead he nodded sharply and watched her go.

Next up, pacify Jace.

He knew where his _parabatai_ would be without even having to guess. Two minutes later, he was proven right as he entered the kitchen and found Jace bent over a stack of grilled cheeses and two mugs of soup that he was setting up on a tray. Mugs, not bowls, because Alec’s hands might be shaking. They weren’t yet, not enough to slosh soup out of a spoon at least, but Alec both bristled at and appreciated the gesture.

“Hey,” He said and dropped down into a stool across the counter from Jace.

Jace looked up at him and smiled. The smile didn’t hide the worry in his eyes, though, or the critical way that Jace looked him over. “Just finishing up lunch. You want to eat here?”

Not particularly, even on days when he wasn’t avoiding having Jace meet up with Aldertree, Izzy or anyone who had seen him and his sister enter the Head’s office. Eating in a common area meant getting dragged into conversations with anyone who happened in and that was never Alec’s idea of a good time. He wrinkled his nose and Jace laughed.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Jace said. “My room?”

Alec nodded and stood in the same motion and instantly regretted it. The room swam around him and he had to grab the counter in a death grip just to keep from falling down to his knees. His blood pumped so loudly that his ears felt like they were throbbing. He blinked, trying to clear the dark spots in his eyes. Slowly, he managed to draw in a full breath and the spots receded first. Then, he felt Jace’s arms wrapped around him tightly. Only after that did the rushing in his ears fade.

“Alec?” The worry in Jace’s voice was barely controlled. Alec could feel his fear through their bond.

“I’m okay,” He said roughly. “Just stood up too fast.”

There was no doubt in his mind that Jace didn’t really believe him. Hell, Alec didn’t really believe himself. Still, all Jace did was slowly let him go while his hands hovered close by in case Alec started to go down again. He appreciated that his brother was letting what had just happened go so easily.

“Do you want to sit down for a few minutes?” Jace offered.

He didn’t dare shake his head. “No. No, let’s go.” His feet shuffled and Jace stepped back give him room to move forward.

Jace leaned over the counter to slide the tray with lunch on it closer to him. He grabbed it awkwardly, setting it up so the entire thing rested on the inside his forearm and gave him an arm free to press against Alec’s back to guide him forward. Alec let him, suddenly too tired to fight. That wasn’t a good thing, though, not when he had a mission to go on in just a few hours.

Hopefully, eating and resting for a little while would revive him a bit. He wouldn’t need to talk to Clary until it was time to go and if he kept Jace with him there was no chance of him finding out about what Alec was trying to hide.

The plan was still in place, even as it showed more and more signs of being the wrong choice.

Alec pushed the doubts away. After a few seconds, he realized that his head was bowed down and he was only paying attention to each step, not on where he was going. He flushed, that was a good way to walk into a wall.

Luckily, he had Jace guiding him forward. The walk took a little longer than it should have but soon enough Jace was pushing the door to his bedroom open so he could usher Alec inside.

“I can walk to a chair myself, Jace,” Alec tried to shrug off his hands as he tried to steer Alec towards his bed.

“You’re tired,” Jace countered, “Don’t try to deny it. I thought hanging out with Izzy wouldn’t be too much but I should have come to get you sooner.” The last part was said in an undertone, just Jace muttering to himself.

Alec flushed, apparently Jace hadn’t been as willing to let him do his own thing as he had thought. The truth about Jace tracking him gave him the extra incentive he needed to push away from his brother’s attempts to get him to lay down. Instead, he dropped into a spare chair Jace had by the window and he kept any trace of a wince off of his features. Why he was trying so hard to keep Jace from seeing how sore he was, he didn’t know. Their bond would tell him the truth. Still, he kept his face blank.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay?” Jace set the tray down and knelt in front of Alec. “I just wanted to keep an eye on you. Tell me you wouldn’t do the same?’

And that was where Jace usually got him. “It’s okay.” Alec forgave grudgingly.

Jace tried to grin at him but the effort was sort of ruined by the worry still lining Jace’s face.

So Alec did the only thing left that might actually ease that worry from his _parabatai’s_ face. He grabbed one of the grilled cheese halves and took a bite. Seeing him eat usually did the trick for at least a little while.

Jace’s smile changed, like he knew he was being played but didn’t really mind. He stood back up so he could switch to a seat on the bed and grabbed his own sandwich from the pile.

Success.

For now.


	2. Chapter Two

* * *

**Chapter Two**

* * *

Alec blinked his eyes open and swallowed the low groan that threatened to slip out. He _ached_ , there was no other way to describe it. The cold wasn’t creeping in, it had already crept and now Alec was literally shivering.

He glanced around and realized he was in Jace’s bed, not his own. His _parabatai_ was nowhere to be seen but the shower running cleared up that mystery quickly. There was a glass of water waiting on the bedside table and a heap of blankets covering him.

All at once, the situation caught up with Alec and he jolted up then curled in over his knees, regretting the motion. “Too fast… ‘s happening too fast.” Alec mumbled as he tried to breathe through it.

A look at the windows showed that darkness was falling. How long had he been asleep? He grabbed his phone, which Jace had put beside the water, and quickly scrolled through his messages. Two from Izzy, one suggesting a time and another asking if he would be ready in twenty minutes.

It was now or never.

He slid out from under the heavy blankets and had to sit there for a second and get up enough strength to stand. If there was any justice in the world, Jace would be mid-shampooing and unable to come out of the shower for at least another five minutes.

His shoes had been neatly tucked under the edge of the bed, Jace’s usual method of putting things away, and Alec put them on and laced them up as quickly as his shaky fingers could manage. He stood and swayed a second. “Clary,” He muttered. Next up in the plan was going to speak to Clary. Or at least it would be, as soon as he started walking.

This was probably taking too much thought.

Once he was in the hall with the harsher lights, Alec had to fight the urge to squint. The lights amped up his headache and he took a minute to let himself adjust. Better to stand there like an idiot than to go around looking like he was about to keel over, especially if he was going to get Clary to agree without being suspicious. After a minute, his eyes started to adjust. It was still too bright but he could make it work. He wiped the tears that had leaked out away and started towards Clary’s room.

He knocked and realized that he could hear another voice talking to Clary at the same moment. _Please don’t be Izzy, please don’t be Izzy…_

The door opened and then Clary and Simon were standing in front of him looking maybe a little stunned. Well, not as stunned as he was when he felt the relief of seeing Simon and not his sister. If someone had told him a week ago that he would be relieved to be standing in front of Clary’s annoying little friend he would have literally burst out laughing.

“Alec?” Clary asked, forgivably confused. “Is everything okay?”

Alec nodded as slightly as he could. No need to jostle his head more than necessary. “Yes. Can I talk to you for a second?”

Clary and her vampire traded not even slightly subtle glances of confusion. “Of course,” Clary said slowly. She opened her door wider and he glanced up and down the hall to make sure it was clear before he stepped inside.

“Looking for someone?” Simon asked with his weird little laugh.

“Jace,” Alec answered though he had also been looking for Isabelle. She would come looking for him soon. He had taken up too much time getting out of Jace’s room.

Clary looked worried, “Jace isn’t here. I haven’t seen him in hours.”

“I need to ask you a favor and you might not like it.” Alec got to the point. He wasn’t sure what he expected Clary’s reaction to be, honestly. They didn’t get a long, he didn’t like her and he was pretty sure the feeling was mutual.

So he was genuinely a little thrown when Clary looked a little elated, then traded another look with Simon, then shifted to her determined face that he had learned to dread over the time he had known her.

“Whatever you need, Alec, just tell me.” Clary said fiercely.

“Us,” Simon echoed. “I’m in.”

“Um,” Alec almost stuttered, “You don’t know what it is yet.”

Clary shook her head, “It doesn’t matter. You’ve been such a huge help to me through everything and I know it wasn’t because you felt obligated to help me like Simon or Jace. I’ve wanted to repay you and if you need my help then you’ve got it.” She delivered this speech like he was going to ask her to march into battle with him. Even with her explanation, he was taken aback. Or maybe the explanation just made it worse.

“Right,” He said slowly. He wasn’t sure what she meant by all that but if it got him his favor then to hell with it. He would think it through when he wasn’t fighting so hard to keep his hands steady. “I need you to distract Jace for the night.”

Clary deflated just a little. “Distract Jace?”

“Izzy and I have a mission. Our first since he’s been trapped in here.” Alec elaborated.

“You’ve been out before?” Simon pointed out.

Alec glanced at Simon. He wasn’t really in the equation but Alec should have factored him in. He was always hanging around, after all. That might make it harder to keep Jace in place but hopefully Clary could work around it. “On patrols, not on a real mission. I’ll tell him afterwards, so it’s not a huge secret but I don’t want him freaking out while we’re gone.”

He saw the dawning understanding on Clary’s face and bristled a little bit. She still didn’t really understand them, that they were _three_ , but it wasn’t really important right now.

“You don’t want him to worry.” She said, “Are you sure you don’t want to just tell him?” Her eyes darted down to Alec’s _parabatai_ rune like Jace could literally hear them through it.

He wouldn’t be asking for her help if any part of him wanted to tell Jace. Well, there was maybe a tiny part. The part that remembered how cold he was going to get and wanted nothing more than his siblings and his bed to try to stave off the pain. That was also the part that wanted Magnus to be there. _Tomorrow_ , he promised himself. He would be safe to give in tomorrow.

For tonight, Izzy was what mattered.

“I’m sure,” He said firmly. “Don’t tell him where we are, keep him with you and distract him if he seems like he’s going to go looking for us. I’ll take the blame later, if he finds out. Otherwise, I won’t say anything about this if you don’t.”

Clary and Simon agreed and Alec sent up thanks to whoever or whatever was finally making the redhead useful in his life. He left her room a little awkwardly, not sure how to act now that they were sort of temporarily on a truce. Clary didn’t seem to care, though, so he still counted the whole encounter as a win.

Next up was retrieving his bow, which went quickly, then he texted Izzy back to tell her to meet him outside. With only streetlamps and the moon to light their way, she would be less likely to be able to see that something was off with him. Or at least he hoped so.

Ten minutes later his sister was at his side, talking about something to do with the labs that he was not even trying to pay attention to. His head and muscles ached, his limbs felt too heavy to walk or lift his bow and his skin felt paper thin. The tremors couldn’t be held back.

The cold was winning.

Hopefully he wasn’t making a huge mistake.

**\---**

Jace frowned when he left the bathroom and found his bed empty. He rubbed the towel over his hair and huffed in frustration. Why was Alec always so unable to let them help?

And Jace got it, he really did. This wasn’t just a cold and Alec wasn’t going to be able to stoically deal with it. It wasn’t dignified and it made Alec vulnerable in a way that he was uncomfortable with. He _got_ that.

But what was the point of tying their souls together if they couldn’t get vulnerable with each other?

It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen this before either. Jace had been by Alec’s side through each round of this hell and he hadn’t once flinched away from Alec. He would _never_. So why couldn’t Alec just take it easy and let Jace take care of him? They both knew how this was going to go and Alec needed every scrap of energy he had to get through what was to come. Wasting his strength on pretending everything was okay only made this worse.

Jace sighed and crossed his room to put his hand on the rumpled sheets where Alec had been sleeping when he had gone for his shower. The bed was cold, which meant that Alec had been gone for at least ten minutes.

His brother seemed so much worse off than he usually did so early in this pattern. Pale and shaky and exhausted. Jace hadn’t even needed to suggest he take a nap, he had fallen asleep mid-sandwich and hadn’t even twitched when Jace transferred him to the bed.

He shut his eyes and focused on their bond. Alec felt about the same that he had since he had woken up, so at least moving around wasn’t making him worse. That said, the weakness Jace felt made him worry even more, if possible.

_It’s happening so fast._

The urge to go find Alec had Jace out his door.

Almost the second he started down the hall, he heard Clary calling his name. “Jace!”

“Yeah?” He shut his door and turned to look at his… _sister_. That still felt unreal.

Clary gave him a wide smile like the sight of him didn’t twist her up in knots the way it did when he saw her. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Shitty any way he swung it, probably. “Hey, do you have a few minutes?”

“Actually, I need to find Alec.” Jace aimed for apologetic but he wasn’t sure he was hitting the mark. He had been avoiding her, plain and simple.

She didn’t look put out by it, though. She gave him an even bigger smile, “I actually just talked to him a little while ago, he’s with Izzy. Is this something you could maybe talk to him about later?”

With Izzy was probably okay. He wanted to give Alec the chance to tell her himself and the lack of freaked out texts from their sister meant that Alec hadn’t managed it yet. He would probably know the minute Alec finally got up the nerve. Still, until Izzy knew and with Alec out of his sight, he couldn’t be sure that someone was properly looking after his sick _parabatai_ , “Did he look okay?”

“Alec?” Clary asked, clearly surprised. That helped, at least a little. “He looked fine. No different than usual, at least. As thrilled to be near me as ever.”

Jace gave her a half-hearted smile because he knew that was what she was after. At least he had that reassurance that Alec was okay, or as okay as he could be. “What did you need?”

“You might hate this but it would mean a lot to me so I’m hoping you’ll try and I’ll totally owe you later.” Clary prefaced her request. Jace braced himself. “I know we have a lot to talk about and that’s important but right now, I kind of just want to _not_. Is that okay?”

That was more than okay. “I get it, Clary.”

She nodded firmly, “But I still want to hang out with you. We know each other in battle and when things are awful but I don’t even know what kind of pizza you like, you know?”

“That’s fair, I guess.”

“So, Simon is here and he’s got a whole laptop of movies that we can watch. We can have some pizza, hang out, just have fun.” Clary pitched. She sounded so hopeful that Jace felt kind of like a jerk for dreading what she was asking for. “Do you want to come hang out in my room for a little while? With us?”

Jace reached out down the bond again and felt no changes from Alec. He was tired, incredibly so, but with the way Izzy had been so intent on studying Valentine’s experiments he knew she would be in the labs, not gearing up to spar. Alec wasn’t really exerting himself that he could tell. If he found them now, he would just annoy Alec probably.

Clary’s nervous smile beamed up at him. He was going to be out of commission alongside Alec soon enough, so it wasn’t even like he could offer to make it up to her later. By the time a later came up that meant he could be away from Alec again, Valentine would probably ramp up his attacks and his promise to Clary would get lost in the shuffle. He might as well kill two birds with one stone – make Clary happy and give Alec some space to tell Isabelle. And he’d thought balancing _three_ siblings was hard enough. Max was going to get an extra special birthday present from him this year because that kid was a dream in comparison to what he dealt with from the rest of them.

“Okay,” Jace agreed. He managed to muster up something close to his usual smirk. It was apparently enough because Clary let out a little squeal that made him laugh.

A movie with his sort of ex/newly found sister and her vampire best friend who never shut his mouth – great. Just great.

**\---**

The movie wasn’t so bad. Jace wasn’t following it as hard as Simon wanted him to because his attention was half on his bond with Alec and about a quarter on not feeling anything to special for Clary but overall it wasn’t a bad movie. Star Wars was a dumb name and Luke seemed maybe a little too innocent to get anything done but add in pizza and the night wasn’t a total waste.

“So, what did you think, man?” Simon asked with so much excitement that Jace was half afraid he was going to stroke out right in front of them. “It’s amazing, right? I know, it really is. I mean, Luke becoming a Jedi, you don’t even know what’s going to happen with Darth Vader – and seriously, you have no idea how exciting it is to watch this with someone who has _no clue_ about the twists that are coming your way my friend, I might be the first person to have this experience in like thirty years _–_ and then the epic love between Leia and Han and…”

“Leia’s with Luke, isn’t she?” Jace cut him off. He wasn’t sure what half of that had been about but Clary was laughing so it couldn’t have been all bad.

Abruptly, Clary stopped laughing and Simon went beet red. “Um,” Simon seemed unable to speak, which was wonderful and alarming at the same time.

“Maybe we should try another movie?” Clary hissed at Simon in a way that said she thought he was an idiot. She clearly knew what had Simon so thrown.

“I thought you said there were like seven more of these?” Jace said. Not that he wanted to watch seven more movies with them but he wanted even less to have to start from zero if they were going to watch another.

Simon fumbled with his hands and couldn’t seem to look Jace straight in the eye, “Yeah, but there are also lots of other awesome choices. I mean, Ghostbusters – that’s a great one. You’ll probably even have some professional feelings about it and…”

A jolt down his bond with Alec made Jace flinch. _What’s wrong, parabatai?_ Jace closed his eyes to tune out Simon’s babbling and focus on Alec. He flew through the things that he had already been getting from Alec since that morning – _cold, sore, upset, scared, angry, dizzy_ – and tried to find what was different. His brother was… tired, which wasn’t new, but now in a way that suggested exertion. Was he sparring with Izzy? It hadn’t escaped his notice that there had been no text from her saying Alec had told her what was going on.

Sparring was beyond stupid, a waste of Alec’s already limited energy. Jace clenched his jaw, annoyed. He would have to go down there and be the bad guy to stop Alec. That would just piss his brother off but he didn’t have much a choice.

“Jace?” Clary asked tentatively. The two of them had noticed he wasn’t paying attention to them anymore and were finally silent.

He stood up, “Sorry, I have to go see Alec now. This was, um, fun, though. So thanks.”

“Wait!” Clary held her hands out and let them hover around his shoulders like she wanted to touch but didn’t know if she should. “Come on, I’m sure Alec is okay. Let’s watch another movie. Something funny!”

At what point was it okay to tell Clary what was going on? Alec wouldn’t like it but everyone would know soon enough. Probably better that they explained it themselves, especially if Alec was serious about not wanting Magnus around. He hesitated, the words halfway formed.

Then the pain slammed into him. His knees buckled and he sank back down into his chair, doubled over with his hand over their rune as though if he protected _it_ he could protect _Alec._ “Shit!”

“Whoa, are you okay?” He heard Simon ask.

Clary’s hands pressed against his shoulders and it said something about how worried about Alec he was that he barely noticed. “Jace?”

“I have to find Alec.” Jace said through grit teeth. He straightened up and stood again. The urge to curl up around the pain was almost too strong to overcome. Had Izzy landed a hit that Alec had been too slow to avoid? He didn’t feel horribly injured but it didn’t feel like a sparring hit either.

“I’ll just text Izzy!” Clary suggested, “I’m sure he’s still with her. She’ll know and it’ll be much faster.”

By the Angel these two were serious about movie nights. What part of ‘ _hurt_ _parabatai’_ was not getting through?

There was no point in arguing. He pushed passed Clary as carefully as he could and started towards her door.

“Wait, Jace, please?” Clary held onto his arm. “We’re having fun, right? Alec is okay, I’m sure of it.”

He felt like scum. Alec needing him at the same time Clary did was a confusing mess he didn’t want to deal with. Right now, though, Alec had to be his priority. He _had_ to get to him… but that didn’t mean he couldn’t take a minute to explain to Clary. Alec would have to forgive him, especially since he had brought this on himself by sparring with Isabelle when he shouldn’t be.

“Listen, Clary,” Jace turned back to see her pleading eyes and he sighed, “I did have fun. We can do this again sometime. Right now, though, there’s something else going on. Alec probably wouldn’t want me to say but he’s sick. It’s sort of an old injury kind of thing. He’s probably trying to ignore it and sparring with Izzy and got hit. I have to go to him, okay?”

Instead of understanding like he had been sure she would, Clary went pale and her hand gripped his arm tighter. “W-what? What do you mean, sick?”

“I’ll explain better later,” Jace promised, “But right now I need to check on him. This whole thing upsets him, it’s going to get really bad and he hates it. I get that but he’s being an idiot right now so I need to go.”

“Wait, Jace.” Simon said. He looked as worried as Clary. “Please, it’s important. Just explain it to us.”

There was some new look in Clary’s eyes that made him nervous – _guilt_. Guilt and fear.

He looked between the two of them and started to explain as quickly as he could, “When we were younger and we were first going on missions, we got sent to look for a _pruinae_ demon. Usually demons are more fire and brimstone types obviously, but this one is rare. Its power rests in ice. Their venom is almost one hundred percent fatal. ” Just saying those words hurt. He sighed, the last thing he wanted was to explain about his arrogant lack of focus and how Alec had nearly died saying his ass yet again. He could tell they had seen where he was heading anyway, “Right now Alec is the only living Shadowhunter in the entire world who’s survived its bite.”

“Okay, so that was years ago.” Simon looked between Jace and Clary with a forced smile on his face. Jace didn’t even like Simon and even he could tell Simon wasn’t nearly as relaxed as he was pretending, “Alec recovered, great, he’s a rare unicorn of the Shadow World.”

Jace wasn’t sure why hearing Simon talking about Alec seemed to always piss him off. Probably because the vampire was so, just, _flippant_ about everything and Alec deserved better. He couldn’t really put it into words but he didn’t have to. He glared at Simon, “The venom never really left his body. It’s always in his system, usually dormant. It rises up, weaker than the first time, and he’s got to beat it again and again. The Silent Brothers warned us that it would make him sick again someday and they were right. It’s happened twice since he recovered the after the bite. I felt it when we woke up this morning. He’s getting sick again.”

“Oh god, Jace, I’m so sorry.” Clary had gone even paler than usual. Her hand shook over her mouth and that same guilt welled in her eyes.

He shook his head, Clary didn’t need to feel bad about distracting him from worrying about Alec. “No, look, the movie was a good thing, okay? He gets more stubborn than usual right before and if I hover too much he gets pissed. You kept my mind off of this and I appreciate it, Clary.”

“That’s not what she meant.” Simon said. This time, finally, Simon seemed as serious as Jace had ever seen him. It wasn’t better.

Jace felt his stomach drop. “What do you mean?”

“Alec came to me today and asked me for a favor.” Clary said softly, “He said he had a mission with Izzy and he didn’t want you to worry or feel left out. He said he would tell you about it when he got back but asked if we could distract you while he was gone.”

_By the Angel, Alec, how could you?_

Jace swore angrily. He charged to Clary’s door and then stopped.

He had no clue where they were.

He pressed his forehead against the wood and slammed his hand against it. His _parabatai_ was out there, sick and weak, and now he was hurt. The bond tugged at Jace, demanding he find and protect Alec and Jace wanted nothing more than to obey. “Did he say where they were going?”

“He didn’t.” Clary answered quickly. “I did text Izzy when you were doubled over and she hasn’t answered.” She hesitated and Jace braced himself for whatever new awful revelation she was going to dump on him, “Jace, you can’t go out there. Valentine is watching and Aldertree…”

“I don’t care about Aldertree, Clary!” He shouted and whirled back around to face her. “This isn’t the flu or something. I _have_ to find him!”

She stared at him and apparently saw something that changed the look in her eyes. Her guilt was still there but Clary gave him her best determined face and Jace almost groaned. That was not the help he needed.

Clary nodded as firmly as she could. “Okay, we’ll find them. You guys must have ways to sneak – ”

Yeah, exactly what he was dreading hearing. “We do. You’re not coming, though.” Jace cut her off. “I’m going alone.”

To be fair to Clary, she had only known him as her reckless partner in crime. Having him turn her down for a clandestine mission was out of character, as far as she knew. Her shock was visible. “I can help Jace!”

“Yeah, by staying here.” He stepped back from her without even realizing it. He was wasting time here, time Alec might not have. Not to mention Izzy. If she was counting on Alec to have her back then she might be in trouble too. Had she figured it out yet? Before Clary could keep arguing, Jace threw down the best trump card he could think of, “Please, I’ll be worried about you and I can’t split my attention between you and Alec. Let me choose him, Clary. He _needs_ me.”

Clary looked physically pained and Jace was sort of glad for it. Once, she had begged him to go against everything in him to help her turn her friend into a vampire and he had done it for her. Staying behind wasn’t in Clary but if he begged then she would. They both knew it.

“Counter offer,” Simon held his hands out to the two of them, “I go with Jace because Aldertree doesn’t care about me at all and Valentine could snatch me anytime I walk out of here so it’s no different than usual. Jace has backup that he doesn’t have to worry about and Clary can stay here and be our man on the inside when we need to sneak back in. Win for all.”

Simon tagging along wasn’t ideal but Jace could see the advantages and Clary obviously wanted it. She started to say something, probably encouragement, and Jace spoke before she could.

“Fine, let’s go!” He was already turning and out the door.

_I’m coming Alec, just hang on._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read/kudos'd/commented on the first chapter, I really appreciate it! 
> 
> I hope everyone is well and you're staying safe in this craziness!
> 
> Next Time: Jace and Simon to the rescue and Clary is going to need a blood oath to keep Alec from wanting to kill her


	3. Chapter Three

* * *

**Chapter Three**

* * *

_Get up._

_Get up, you idiot, Izzy needs you._

Alec groaned on the ground where he’d been thrown like a rag doll. Two demons, just two demons, had died by his arrows. The third had flung him against a brick wall and that was it, he was down.

He could hear Isabelle fighting still, struggling against the four he had left behind for her to deal with. She kept calling his name and the fear in her voice sent the guilt deeper into him.

What use was he to his sister, trembling on the ground like this?

_It’s so cold._

Alec tried to move with everything he had left. His feet slid across the ground and the motion sent a flurry of needles into his skin. It was too fast, everything was happening too fast but Alec was too slow. “Izzy…”

“Alec?” Isabelle cried out to him. He heard her whip and her blade moving in unison, doing the job of four Shadowhunters all by herself. He was letting her down.

Moving hurt so badly, though. Would Izzy forgive him if she could feel what he felt? “Please, please, Izzy.”

His _parabatai_ rune almost ached. Jace was scared, he was so scared and Alec couldn’t even get up to find him. _I’m sorry, Jace. I’m sorry, Izzy._

He tried to move his legs again, to get them under him at least so he could kneel and shoot. Where was his bow? Alec shivered and tried to focus his eyes on anything. It hurt. Everything hurt. He was freezing into a solid block and nothing he did was making it better.

_“Alec? Izzy!”_

“Jace, down here! We’re down here!”

Alec tried to focus on the staircase behind Izzy. There was light pouring down into the darkened basement and Alec saw two figures come racing down it. A flash of gold. His lips pulled into a shadow of a smile. Jace had found them. Jace could save Izzy.

He closed his eyes. There was no point in trying anymore, not now that Izzy was safe. He shook on the ground and suddenly there were cold hands touching his shoulder. The ice blazed down through his sweater and _burned_. “Please, please, too cold, please…”

Then the hand was gone, “Oh god, man, why didn’t you tell us?”

Simon? Alec tried to open his eyes and they fluttered open just long enough to see the vampire kneeling beside him. “Izzy… Is Izzy okay?”

“Yeah, she and Jace are okay. You’re really not, though.” Simon said. He tore off his jacket and draped it over Alec. He shouted over his shoulder, “Hurry up, guys!”

Alec winced at the noise.

“Sorry, sorry. You smell like blood. Where are you bleeding?” He said all of it in such a rush that Alec had to stop and try to make sense of it.

“Blood? Izzy’s bleeding?” He mumbled. He opened his eyes again to look over at his sister.

Simon shook his head, “No, you’re bleeding. Izzy is okay. Where are you hurt?” His hands hovered over Alec like he wanted to help but didn’t know how. Instead, he plucked up the edge of the jacket and peaked underneath. “Does it have to be so dark in here? I mean, I’m a vampire but seriously…”

A witchlight, already lit, flew over and smacked Simon in the side of the face.

“Oh, thanks!” Simon called back. He gingerly nudged it towards Alec. “You’re laying on some injury. Can you turn onto your back? Oh wait, there’s blood on your head too. Shit, how many fingers am I holding up?” He waved his hand in front of Alec’s barely open eyes.

Alec wasn’t willing to turn. He wanted to be pressed against the least amount of cold concrete as possible. He would rather bleed to death than move. “Stop, please…”

“Okay, but really, if you’re bleeding we need to try to stop it.” Simon coaxed. “I won’t touch you again if my hands are too cold but you really need to move yourself then.”

“Simon?” Jace called with audible worry in his voice. It made Alec flinch. Their bond was still saturated in Jace’s fear. “What’s going on?”

“He’s hurt and he won’t let me touch him because I’m too cold!” Simon called back and then lowered his voice when he saw Alec flinch. “He’s shaking really hard.”

Izzy’s whip cracked, “Venom?”

Alec didn’t hear Jace say anything. He might not have. There might have just been a look on his face or she pieced together all the clues. Selfishly, he was glad he didn’t have to hear Jace say it or see Isabelle’s face. All he heard was the sound of their weapons slicing through demons. And then…

“ _Oh, Alec.”_

He shut his eyes again.

“Whoa, dude, don’t do that. You definitely smacked your head hard. No one likes comas.” Simon sounded a little more frantic than before. He poked Alec’s shoulder repeatedly until he opened his eyes again, “Better. No sleeping, okay?”

“Help Izzy,” Alec mumbled. His head felt like it was swimming and he didn’t know if that was the creeping cold or the way he’d hit his head.

Simon sighed, “Jace is helping Izzy, remember? Izzy! Yell something!”

“Alec!” Izzy called back. “It’s going to be okay!”

Except it really wasn’t. Alec felt tears sting his eyes and it only made the out of control feelings worse. The rest of his body wasn’t obeying him, why shouldn’t his tear ducts join the fun and betray him right in front of Simon? He shivered again, as though the rest of his body liked his crying about as much as he did.

The lack of babbling from Simon said that he had seen it too.

There was another sound of a blade slicing through flesh before all that was left were the panting breaths of his siblings. Jace was beside him in a flash that Alec’s eyes hadn’t been able to follow. Suddenly, instead of Simon, it was his terrified _parabatai_.

“Hey,” Jace said softly. “Can you sit up for me?” His hands were gently tugging Alec up, doing the work for him. The second he was vaguely upright he slumped over onto Jace. His _parabatai_ ’s skin was blazing hot and Alec pressed himself close. In that second, he didn’t care who saw it.

Jace’s arm went around his back and he pulled Alec in closer. He felt Jace’s hand start to run over him, trying to find injuries. Beside them, Izzy was using the witchlight to do the same.

“His got a cut in his side,” Izzy said, ducking down to see it closer. “I could stitch it shut, once we get back to the Institute but right now it’s bleeding a bunch.” And then something pressed against it and Alec flinched in Jace’s hold.

“Cracked his head pretty good.” Jace continued. “It would need stitches too.”

“Why are we talking about stitches?” Simon asked from where he was kneeling a couple of feet back. “Don’t you guys just use runes for this stuff?”

Jace and Izzy were silent for a second before Izzy said, “This venom, it doesn’t react well with runes or magic.” Her voice was worried.

“It’s only the first day.” Jace said slowly.

He knew what they were trying to decide – whether or not it would be safe to use a rune to heal him. In another twenty-four hours it would be impossible and possibly fatal to do it. Now though, they had to weigh whether the rune would set the venom off or, if they didn’t use the rune, whether adding injuries to what was to come could have catastrophic results.

Alec had been so worried about Izzy that he hadn’t even stopped to consider what would happen if he got hurt on the mission. “Do it.” He mumbled.

“Jace…” Izzy hesitated.

“If we’re going to do it, it has to be now. This is already moving fast.” Jace sounded as torn as Izzy did.

He felt the hand Izzy didn’t have pressed to his wound brush against the back of his head, “He’s losing a lot of blood. If he goes into shock…”

“I think we have to risk an _iratze_.” Jace said although he sounded like _he_ was the one in pain and bleeding.

Izzy must have nodded or something, because soon Alec felt the burn of his _iratze_ being activated.

His headache didn’t entirely clear but the ache of the wound in his side did. Alec felt his breath evening out, the last bit of strength he had in him leaving with a sigh.

There was a long, tense moment. Then, Jace said, “I don’t feel anything really intensifying.” And a rush of relief came to Alec from the bond.

His eyes fluttered shut.

“Alec, stay awake,” Isabelle tried to coax him and Alec did his best to keep his eyes open. She pressed close to his other side and rubbed her hands over whatever part of him was closest, trying to warm him with friction.

“It’s okay, sleep if you want to Alec.” Jace said. Then he said to Izzy quietly, “I’ll carry him, it’s fine.”

He knew instantly how much trouble he was in when his first thought was _okay_ and to agree to let Jace carry him just so he wouldn’t have to step away from his brother’s warmth.

“How long?” Izzy asked with a tight voice. Was it anger or just fear? Both? “You said first day, but _when_?”

One of Jace’s arms slid under Alec’s knees and Alec felt him tensing as he got ready to stand, “Since this morning. I felt it as soon as I woke up and so did he.”

“And you didn’t _tell me?”_

Jace stood with Alec braced in his arms. The movement sent his head spinning and he let out a choked little noise that had his siblings shushing him softly. He blinked rapidly to clear the black dots from his vision and saw Izzy’s worried face first. If she was angry, he wouldn’t hear about it until later. He tried to give her a reassuring smile, “I’m okay. I can stand.” He finally said. He should have said it the minute Jace said he would carry him. What was _wrong_ with him?

“I have you, Alec.” Jace answered. His words were soft, not angry like he should have been and not tense like Izzy but Alec could feel all that and more through their bond. Jace was still afraid and he was just angry enough that Alec could feel a little shiver of shame run down his spine. He didn’t deserve it when Jace pressed his cheek against Alec’s forehead in response.

He tried to think of something to say that would convince all four of them that he could walk himself but they were already moving. The air around them got marginally warmer as they left the basement.

“I’m sorry, Izzy. I wanted to let him tell you himself.” Jace said to their sister. He sounded genuinely regretful too, which was just another sin to throw onto Alec’s heaping pile, “I never thought this would happen.”

“That was sort of mine and Clary’s faults,” Simon mumbled from somewhere behind them.

“What?” Izzy asked in confusion.

“Apparently Alec asked Clary and Simon to distract me while he was out with you. I thought he was going to tell you what was happening, not go on a goddamn _mission_.” Jace explained. He gave Alec tight squeeze as he said it but what that was supposed to mean Alec couldn’t figure out.

As soon as they were outside again, any warmth that being upstairs had gained Alec was gone in seconds. He couldn’t help the strangled moan that slipped out of his lips.

He clenched his eyes shut and heard Jace swear under his breath. Then the icy cold was gone and the door shut again.

“We can’t stay here, Jace.” Izzy said worriedly.

“I know, I know,” Jace sounded even more stressed than he had a minute ago.

Alec’s hand slid under Jace’s jacket to press against his side, “Jace…” His attempt at comfort was weak, though, as weak as he was acting. He couldn’t help it, though, not this time. He managed to pry his eyes open and saw that Jace had stepped back into the warehouse where the wind couldn’t get them. They couldn’t have been down there so long that the temperature had the chance to drop more than a degree or so. That Alec was so much colder so fast was terrifying to more than just him.

“He wasn’t like this before.” Izzy said. She stepped close to both of them and wrapped her arms where she could. “I would have noticed.”

“I know. He wasn’t this bad off this afternoon.” Jace agreed, “It’s happening faster this time.”

“Like, how much faster?” Simon asked.

Izzy answered for him, “Usually he has two days where it’s just like he’s got a cold or something. Achy, chills, normal kind of stuff. Then it gets bad. Using the rune might not have made it worse but it’s not going to help either.”

This, right now, felt plenty _bad_ and Alec knew it was still only a preview of what was to come. 

Jace shifted restlessly. “It’s only happened twice since that initial bite. This is the third time. We assumed he would have today and tomorrow but that might have just been luck the other times.”

“What’s the plan, Jace?” Izzy asked quietly but urgently. As if any of them didn’t know.

“We could call Magnus?” Simon suggested. “A quick portal back to the Institute?”

Alec lurched in Jace’s arms, “No!”

“Damnit, Alec, don’t do that!” Jace’s arms tightened around him and he felt Izzy clutching at his shoulders to help them stay upright.

“Did they like, breakup or something?” Simon asked with wide eyes, “I didn’t know!”

Izzy’s voice answered him shakily. Alec could see how genuinely shocked she was by his reaction. “No, they didn’t break up. Alec, what’s wrong? Why can’t we call Magnus?”

“He doesn’t want Magnus to know about this.” Jace answered for him, “He made me promise not to let Magnus see him like this.”

“Alec!” Izzy tried to make him look her in the eye, “Magnus would _want_ to know! He stayed with you when you were lost looking for Jace, he would stand by you through this too.”

He knew that. He truly did. Magnus shouldn’t _have to_ though. He didn’t need to see Alec laid down so low. Their differences in mortality were simmering under the surface still and this would just make it worse. “Please, Izzy.”

His sister faltered and glanced to Jace.

“Buddy, if we can’t call Magnus then we need to walk back to the Institute.” Jace said, “Can you handle that?”

“Yes,” Alec said firmly with no thought. He would deal with the cold. Hell, soon enough he didn’t think he would even be conscious. His eyelids felt heavier by the second and he was absolutely ready to go under and just forget.

Izzy looked between her brothers, “Jace, this isn’t just handling it. If he gets too cold…”

He’d die. They all knew it except apparently Simon, judging by the way the vampire gasped quietly.

“Not there yet,” Alec mumbled, “Let’s go, please. I’ll be quiet.”

“If you can wait a few more minutes,” Simon offered worriedly, “I can run to my van and we can drive back? I left it at the boat dock but…”

“That’s a ten minute run from here.” Izzy said skeptically. “And then you’ll have to drive back.”

Simon smiled at her reassuringly, “It’s about a five minute run for a vampire. And it’s late, there won’t be much traffic. I’ll go as fast as I can and encanto any cop that tries to pull me over.”

His siblings looked at each other and then at him, huddled pathetically against Jace’s chest.

“Okay,” Jace agreed, sounding like he didn’t much like having to be indebted to Simon. “Please, though, go as fast as you can.”

Wow, and begging Simon too. Jace had to be pissed about that.

Through their bond, though, all Alec could really feel different was a relief about the offer. He didn’t want to take Alec outside about as badly as Alec didn’t want to go.

Simon saluted Jace and threw over his shoulder as he sped away, “I’ll crank the heat!”

And then he was gone and, for a little while at least, it was only Izzy and Jace to see him at his lowest. Awful but familiar.

“I’m sorry,” Alec whispered because he couldn’t ignore the desperate need to apologize for a second longer. He wanted to say it while he still could, not after when so many more things would be buried on top of his crimes today.

Jace looked down at him and Alec could only look at him a second before he had to look away. “Alec, you have to know how dangerous this was. Why would you go on a mission?”

“They’ve always let you stay with me. Both of you.” Alec said softly, “They won’t this time.” He would have kept talking about how understaffed they were and about the threat of Valentine but Izzy and Jace already knew all of that. He could see the dawning realization on both his siblings’ faces and he knew they understood immediately.

“Alec,” Izzy sounded upset, “Jace is grounded right now, he would have been able to stay with you. You did this because you don’t trust me to fight by myself?”

He shook his head so hard he made himself dizzy, “No, no Izzy…” His vision whited out and he reached for her blindly. “I don’t trust _everyone else._ ”

“Okay, Alec, okay, just calm down. I get it.” Izzy grabbed his flapping hand and held it tightly in hers. She looked pale and upset and Alec hated that he had done that to her. She and Jace didn’t deserve to deal with him on top of everything else.

Jace’s heartbeat was fast but comforting against Alec’s ear. He wanted so badly to just go to sleep. “I’m tired.” He told them quietly. As if they couldn’t see it.

Izzy stroked his cheek, “Talk to us, Alec. This is getting worse faster than it usually does. We can’t feel what you feel, so please tell us if you think it means something. Is anything different?”

There was no real answer to her question. They didn’t know enough about the long-term effects of surviving the demon’s bite and by _they_ he meant the entire Shadow World. Probably not even Magnus would be able to tell him anything he didn’t already know.

She wanted cold hard facts, _science_ , and he couldn’t give it to her. How he felt wasn’t really reliable.

“I think…” Alec said slowly, trying to offer anything up to his desperate siblings. “I think it’s going to be really bad by tomorrow.”

“Maybe if he’s going through the beginning part faster, he’ll go through the bad part faster?” Jace suggested hesitantly. Alec could feel his hope but also his resignation. Jace wanted to believe it but he didn’t, not really. That was okay, because Alec didn’t either.

For his part, he didn’t really hope it meant this would go _faster_. He was just afraid that it would hit him _harder._

He had dealt with _harder and worse_ once and it had nearly killed him.

He didn’t think he could do it again.

**\---**

Being nearly bonelessly relieved to see Simon Lewis was a new and strange sensation.

Jace couldn’t even say it wasn’t welcome, either, because with Simon came his _van._ An actual van he could transport Alec home in, instead of bringing him out into the cold. He would run Alec home as fast as he could if he had to, aching arms be damned, but if Simon had a better way Jace would take it.

The second that he and Izzy heard Simon’s van come careening to a stop outside the heavy metal door that they were hiding behind, they had been a flurry of movement. Jace rushed backwards to get out of the way as Izzy threw the wide doors open.

Simon was already there, backed up close to the door with the back of his van open and ready.

Now Jace really was going to have to watch _Ghostbangers_ or whatever it was with him and Clary.

“I found a blanket.” Simon said as Izzy helped Jace climb up into the back of the van. “I can’t say how long it’s been since I washed the thing but…”

Izzy grabbed it from Simon’s hands. “I don’t care,”

“…I don’t think that matters right now.” Simon finished.

Jace sank down onto his knees and set Alec down sideways. Izzy held him upright as Jace slid behind him, so that his back was propped against the wall of the van and Alec’s back was resting against his chest. “Simon, as fast as you can.” Jace directed as Izzy spread the blanket over him and Alec, “Iz, text Clary and tell her to meet us by the basement door with another blanket.”

The basement door was a very simple way of describing one of Jace, Izzy and Alec’s favorite ways in and out of the Institute. It was more like a broken grate that they needed to drop down into before they hit some old tunnels that led them through the basement. From there they could use an old service elevator with notoriously iffy cameras. Barely anyone remembered to check them and Jace would have plenty of time to wipe their trip off them.

Simon hit the gas before the words were even out of Jace’s mouth but Izzy stopped to frown at him as she pulled her phone out. “Are you sure? It’s cold down there.”

“It’s the only way,” Jace reminded her, “The only other choices involve climbing or walking through a main door.”

Jace could and would carry Alec until his own body gave out. What he _wouldn’t_ do was risk dropping him or both of them falling by climbing one of the flying buttresses if there were other ways. If they wrapped Alec up enough and ran, they wouldn’t be in the cold tunnels for long.

Izzy bit her lip and started texting. She knew as well as he did that it was the only way. “Clary knows how to get there?”

“It’s how I got out, I showed her.” And _that_ wasn’t something that he had done lightly. Giving Clary an easy way out of the Institute, even if it involved remembering her way through the twisting tunnels, was a recipe for disaster and Alec was going to be pissed when he found out.

His sister’s raised eyebrow said just what she thought of that. Even in the situation they were in, it was a bold choice. Jace didn’t love it but he didn’t regret it. The most important thing was getting Alec home safe.

In seconds, there was a little ping on Izzy’s phone. Apparently Clary was sitting back at the Institute staring at her phone waiting. Jace felt kind of badly for her. Waiting didn’t seem like one of her strong suits.

That was okay, though, because it wasn’t one of his either. It just meant that he appreciated her doing what he had asked – staying behind – all the more because he got it better than most people.

“She says she’ll be there.” Izzy reported back. She looked back up at Alec and Jace pressed together and her jaw clenched visibly. She was doing her best to keep herself together and half of that was Jace’ fault. She was getting her worst nightmare thrown in her face out of nowhere. No time to prepare herself for what was going to happen, she was just getting thrown into the middle of it.

Jace wrapped his arms around Alec’s shivering body tighter. _Not the middle yet_ , he amended silently, _it’s only getting started._

Izzy pulled the blanket up higher, tucking it around Alec’s shoulders so that the edges were stuffed down between Jace and Alec. They both knew what they were doing, the best ways to keep Alec warm. Don’t let any air get in, use body heat, keep him in bed. They were doing the best they could in a van.

“How close are we, Simon?” Jace called up to the vampire. Luckily Simon’s senses were better than most because Jace didn’t want to shout in Alec’s ear and risk waking him up. The basement was going to be awful enough without making Alec consciously suffer through it.

“Four minutes,” Simon said before adding in an undertone, “Three if this jerk would quit trying to break-check me.”

“We’re almost home, Alec.” Jace whispered in his brother’s ear. Alec didn’t stir and Jace didn’t feel any awareness creeping back in through their bond.

The next few minutes passed too slowly for Jace. He could feel the way Alec’s shivers weren’t dying down and Izzy still looked like she was about to cry. Clary was back at the Institute waiting for them with no information about what was going down probably going out of her mind.

He was doing a shit job in the brother department.

By the time Simon was pulling the van over as close to the Institute as he could, Jace had managed to shrug out of his jacket to put another layer around Alec while they went through the cold tunnels. “You ready?” He asked Izzy.

Izzy didn’t hesitate and Jace felt a rush of affection for her. She just nodded her head once hard like she could force away any emotion in just a single action. In seconds she was up off the floor of the van and had the doors open so they could sneak around to the back of the Institute.

Maneuvering Alec out of the van took some doing and yet again Jace cursed the day that Alec surpassed him in height.

“I can help carry him?” Simon danced around Jace’s side, holding the door out of the way with one hand and reaching out to hover over Alec with the other.

Jace shook his head, “Thanks but you’re cold.”

“Would you believe that I kind of forget about that?”

He managed to turn his huff of a laugh into a grunt at the last second as he pulled Alec into his arms again. “Let’s go.”

The three of them walked as quietly as they could, skirting around the back gardens and staying out of the cameras’ sight. Izzy had to grab Simon a few times to keep him from accidentally wandering into frame but she and Jace were experts at getting in and out of the Institute unseen. This was like playing a childhood game again.

Once they came to the grate in the ground, Jace realized the one thing he hadn’t thought of: how they were going to drop Alec down into the tunnels.

Simon hefted the cover off the grate and set it to the side like it was nothing. “Fray?” He called down into the darkness.

The beam of a flashlight caught him in the face, “I’m here!” Clary called up.

And that was great, because they were going to need all the help they could get to sneak Alec back into the Institute but it didn’t solve the most immediate problem. He turned to Izzy and he saw it already on her face, “How are we getting him down there?”

“Clary and I can catch him,” Izzy said because it was the obvious answer but she didn’t seem sure and she looked at Alec worriedly, no doubt sizing Alec up while simultaneously terrifying herself with images of her dropping him. Jace didn’t think she would, she’d rather die, but the whole thing seemed risky.

“What if I go down first and you lower him to me?” Jace offered. “Simon can help.” That wasn’t ideal but it wouldn’t be for long. If they kept Alec wrapped in the blanket, Simon wouldn’t even really be touching him.

Izzy seemed less freaked out by that idea so Jace gently set Alec down onto the ground. Instantly, Izzy knelt behind him to lean his back against her chest so he was touching the least amount of cold ground as possible. It was hard to just let Alec go but he reminded himself it was only temporary and he didn’t let himself stop to think before he dropped down into the tunnel.

“Jace!” Clary swung her flashlight down so he could get his bearings, not that he really needed it.

Although the laundry cart was kind of an odd sight.

Once Clary caught him looking at it, she grinned like she was incredibly pleased with herself, “I stole it and filled it with lots of blankets and sheets and stuff! So we can wheel Alec back upstairs and he won’t freeze down here.”

_What?_ Jace gaped at her for a full ten seconds. Alec would absolutely murder them if they rolled him through the Institute in a laundry cart but he also wasn’t awake to bitch about it so… “That’s brilliant, Clary.” He ignored the way his stomach fluttered seeing her so shining and… _wait, stop that._

Jace turned away from her so fast he knew it was awkward. His excuse was pretty ironclad though, so whatever. “Ready, Iz?”

They watched Simon swing Alec’s legs around so they were dangling above Jace. Then he and Izzy started lowering Alec down so that Jace could grab his sides and finish getting him down to the ground. His jacket and Simon’s blanket got dropped in the process but Alec didn’t so Jace didn’t really care. He pulled Alec back into his arms properly and carefully lowered him into the laundry cart.

There was a whole stack of towels and blankets pushed to the side so they could cover Alec up once he was laying in the cart and Jace had a sudden flash of Clary going around the Institute stealing up any stray bit of fabric she could find.

Behind them, Izzy and Simon dropped down into the tunnel.

“By the Angel,” Izzy literally giggled and Jace knew the sound well enough to know that she was genuinely taken aback, “Clary Fray, the things you come up with…”

Where that sentence was heading, Jace wasn’t sure.

Clary didn’t seem to mind. “I just thought it would be the easiest and the warmest. But guys, can we never tell Alec about this? Like we need to make a pact. He already doesn’t like me, I’m pretty sure he’ll poison my coffee if he finds out about this.”

Jace started pushing the cart back towards the Institute, “Poisoning your coffee is the least of what Alec will do if he finds out.”

“Great,” Clary said brightly, “So how about that secret pact?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Up: Things get bad
> 
> Feedback is love :)


	4. Chapter Four

* * *

**Chapter Four**

* * *

“ _I’m going to grab some blankets from Mom and Dad’s room. They won’t be here anytime soon anyway.”_

Izzy’s voice slowly broke through the haze that Alec clawed his way back up from. He felt un-tethered and strange, like he was swimming through icy water alone.

Something heavier settled over him and Alec knew one of his siblings was draping another blanket on him. He could tell, just from weight, that he was already lying under a whole bunch of them.

And so it began.

“Hey, Alec,” Jace whispered softly to him. Of course his _parabatai_ knew he was awake.

Alec cracked his eyes open and braced himself for the searing brightness of the room. When it didn’t come, he blinked and realized he’d definitely been out longer than he would have figured.

Jace and Izzy had clearly been busy.

He was in Jace’s bed, which wasn’t surprising because his room was little more out of the way than Alec’s and it was where they usually did this. The bed was heaped with blankets and the lamps were covered with some of Izzy’s lacy shawls to keep the light from being too bright. One of the bedside tables had been moved aside to make way for something bigger. On top of that, they had spread out all sorts of supplies. Food, an electric kettle, hot water bottles… and, he squinted, little beanbags?

“Those are these hand warmer things that Clary suggested.” Jace said when he saw where Alec was looking. “They get hot. We thought you might like them.”

Well, that answered the question of whether Clary knew what was happening. Although, he was slow to remember, if Simon had gone with Jace then Clary would know even if Izzy and Jace didn’t tell her. The vampire had a huge mouth.

“What time is it?” Alec tried to push himself up higher in the bed, shaking arms be damned, but the second his movement let fresh air into his little cocoon, he hissed in pain.

“Hey, stay still.” Jace dove down to tuck the blankets back around his shoulders. “You’re already down a degree and a half, Alec.”

_Great, just great._ At least his head felt clearer than it had back in the warehouse. “How long?”

“Since we drove back?” Jace asked. “It’s been like four hours.”

Alec sighed, “Find me a sweater? I need to go talk to Aldertree before I can’t.” Just the thought of it though, of getting out of the bed and walking to Aldertree’s office was almost horrifying. It wasn’t even speaking to him that would be the worst part now. It was moving. It was the cold.

“Already done,” Jace sat down on the bed beside him. “Izzy took care of it.”

Alec stared at him.

“He’s a field medic, Alec.” Jace reminded carefully, “He already knew about it. Not that it was happening again, but he definitely knew that you survived the bite the first time.”

He sighed, “I forgot. I’m a textbook footnote.”

Jace tried to laugh but it came out a little strained. Alec couldn’t really blame him for it, so he left it alone. There was a tension thrumming through their bond that was mostly Jace’s. Fear, concern, _love._ It was hard to separate himself out from it, especially since they both had the bond wide open.

“He was halfway decent about it, Izzy said.” Jace continued. “I’m obviously already grounded and Clary too – not that I’m going to ask her to, you know, hop in bed with us or anything but she can still do little things for us if we need her and Izzy isn’t around. Izzy’s cleared to be off patrols and minor missions. He’ll only make her leave if they really need her. He mentioned autopsies too, in case any of Valentine’s experiments get brought in.”

Considering the shitstorm that currently was the New York Shadow World, that _was_ actually halfway decent of Aldertree, something that Alec didn’t think he was capable of being.

“Tell me what you’re thinking?” Jace asked softly. It was a leftover from the early days of their bond, when the emotions didn’t make sense. Why Jace was bothering to ask now, Alec couldn’t say. His emotions had to be pretty easy to make sense of at the moment.

Alec didn’t know what to say. His siblings had come through for him again, no matter how stupid he had been. They had everything lined up as best they could, as best as he would allow them to. What else was there to say?

He shrugged. He was so tired.

“I get why you went out with Izzy, if that’s part of what you’re worried about.” Jace said. “She does too.”

It had been stupid, he could see that now. There were so many other better ways to handle the situation but he had panicked. Probably the easiest thing would have been to smuggle Jace out of the Institute behind them and let him and Izzy get it done. Jace would have done it in a heartbeat but the risk of Valentine getting his hands on Alec’s _parabatai_ had kept him from even thinking it through. He could have contacted his parents. Maryse could have held enough sway to get Izzy out of the mission or made sure she didn’t end up with idiots on her team. He could have at least warned Izzy…

So many better choices than keeping the secret and risking his sister’s life.

And back in that warehouse, between his injuries and the cold taking over so aggressively, he had been so confused and weakened. It was better now, because they had gotten him warmed up and the healing rune had finished its job, but that only meant he got the chance to remember so much more of his failure.

“Alec, come on _parabatai_ ,” Jace nudged him but through the mass of blankets Alec could barely feel it. “No one is pissed at you, why are you angsting?”

“I was dumb.” Alec said shortly.

A creak by the door caught his attention. Izzy quickly shut the door so the light from the hall didn’t get in more than a few seconds. While his sister dropped an armful of blankets on top of Jace’s piano, Alec looked over her over carefully, waiting to see some injury that she’d gotten from his piss-poor back up.

“She’s _fine,_ ” Jace said firmly. He looked over to Izzy and waved his hand between her and Alec, “Tell him you’re fine.”

Izzy climbed up onto Jace’s bed and curled her legs up, “I’m fine, Alec,” She repeated dutifully. Near as he could see, it was true. Some of the vice around his chest eased. “How are you?”

Alec shrugged, what point was there in answering? They already knew. He was cold, he was aching, he was frustrated and mad and honestly a little scared. Why say it all out loud?

“Why can’t you just talk to us, Alec?” Izzy sighed and looked away from his face. She smoothed out his blankets for him but there was clear frustration in every line of her body that she didn’t want to let boil over. An Izzy who bottled up her rage was an Izzy who exploded.

“You’re mad at me.” Alec said without feeling. Honestly, he couldn’t blame her. Last night had been such a risk to her and he had put her in an awful situation.

Izzy looked back up at him, clearly a little surprised he was choosing to get into it. “Jace and I just want to take care of you like you would take care of us if the situation was reversed. Is it so hard to just let us?”

“I don’t want you to. You shouldn’t have to.” Alec said shortly. A shiver wracked his body and he saw them both react to it. “I don’t want to do this again.” The admission was tacked on at the end and Alec felt badly saying it out loud. Why, he wasn’t really sure. Obviously any sane person wouldn’t want to do this again, so why saying it to them felt like he was revealing deep secrets he couldn’t explain.

Izzy shifted around, uncurling herself so she could lay down alongside Alec. “We know that, Alec. We don’t want to do this again either. Seeing you so sick sucks, big brother.”

He clenched his eyes shut, “I’m sorry.”

Jace’s warm hand pressed itself to Alec’s cheek and his thumb swiped away a tear. When Alec had let that slip out, he wasn’t sure. “It’s not your fault, Alec. It’s never been your fault.”

“It’s not yours either.” Alec opened his eyes to stare at his guilt-ridden _parabatai_. Maybe that was why he didn’t like admitting how badly he didn’t want to fall into this again, because it reignited the guilt in Jace. “Either of yours.” Alec added to include their sister.

Izzy just squeezed his arm, but Jace pulled his hand away like Alec knew he would. “Thanks, Alec.” Jace said but Alec knew it was hollow.

Instead of saying anything else, especially things that they both knew Alec wouldn’t like, Jace leaned forward and grabbed one of Clary’s bean bags from the table. “I already tried this one but it’s still warm.” And he pressed it to Alec’s ear, the closest bit of bare skin he had.

The heat felt amazing. “That’s _good_.” Alec said, even when the sensation made him shiver a little harder. 

“Then hang onto that one while I make you some… I guess we’re at breakfast, now?” Jace tucked the beanbag thing under his neck, then he stood up and crossed the room to one of his covered windows. He peeked through the drawn curtains and nodded, “Yeah, breakfast. Sun is coming up.”

“I’ll have scrambled eggs.” Izzy declared as she snuggled in closer to Alec. She giggled in his ear and that at least wasn’t them trying to tiptoe around him. She _loved_ when she could demand Jace cook for her and he would actually do it. “They’re high in protein, we have to keep Alec’s strength up.” She added when Jace glowered at her. “Go on, get cooking.”

Jace just sighed and Izzy beamed a satisfied smile at Alec.

**\---**

“We’re okay, Alec, we’re okay.” Jace whispered and if his voice sort of cracked then Alec wouldn’t judge him even if he was listening. Some part of him was, Jace knew, but not enough to remember Jace’s slip.

His _parabatai_ had fallen asleep hours ago and Jace was grateful for it. Izzy had barely been able to keep him awake long enough for Jace to help him eat the breakfast he’d made. The two of them had nearly started poking him in the effort to eat what was probably going to be the last actual meal they could get into Alec until the cold broke.

Jace had slid under the covers not long after that and first he had taken his shirt off so Alec could press against his bare skin. Alec was probably going to be just coherent enough when he woke up that if he found himself sliding his icy hands up Jace’s shirt to get at as much warm skin as he could he’d be mortified, so Jace took any of that right out of the equation.

He could hear Izzy in Alec’s bathroom, talking on the phone to probably Maryse. They’d sort of forgotten to give her the heads up, but she was used to that from them. They usually only told her the bad things when they were already knee-deep in it.

She and Robert probably wouldn’t come. It was easier without them, honestly.

All they needed was themselves.

He couldn’t physically pull Alec closer to him or hold him tighter but the urge was there. They were bundled under so many blankets that if Alec’s body wasn’t so cool, Jace would be roasting. As it was he was just kind of hot, especially his back where no part of Alec was touching. There was literally no chance that he’d pull away and get out of the bed though so it wasn’t really worth focusing on.

The door to the bathroom opened and Izzy slipped back out. Jace couldn’t see her over the mound of blankets and that was honestly hard. He didn’t like being so blind but that was where Izzy stepped in. She would protect them. She always had.

A cool hand pressed against his back and it wasn’t Alec’s. Alec was still under pretty deep, unmoving other than the fine shivers that would be violent quaking soon enough. No, it was Izzy. “Thanks.” He said quietly.

“Tell me if you need a break. I can get in with him whenever you need.” Izzy offered. Later, when Alec got really cold and every fraction of a degree he lost put him in a dangerous place, they would both get in the bed and hold him. Until then, they tried to be one in and one out to keep watch or get things from around the room. Sliding in and out of the bed too much let in cold air.

Jace shifted his grip on Alec, moving his hands to new spots to heat up. “I’m okay.”

“We have a new problem to talk about then.” Izzy sighed and she waved Alec’s phone up high enough that Jace could see it, “Magnus keeps texting him and now he thinks something is wrong because Alec hasn’t been answering.”

That _was_ a problem. It shouldn’t have been. Jace was pretty sure that the warlock would do just about anything for Alec, based off the heart eyes he gave off whenever he saw Jace’s salty _parabatai_ , so having him around to magic them an endless supply of hot tea wasn’t a bad idea.

Except Alec had said no. He’d practically begged.

“I want to tell you to text him something pretending you’re Alec.” Jace started hesitantly. The words already felt wrong, “But I don’t want to create some big lie.”

Magnus Bane didn’t seem like a guy who took dishonesty well.

_Especially_ if that dishonesty was about Alec’s health or safety. That seemed like it would be a huge mistake, not least of all because Jace didn’t want to make an enemy of Alec’s… _boyfriend?_ Were they using words like that yet? Alec got so weird having to talk about romantic stuff so Jace usually left him alone about it.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea either.” Izzy said. She pulled her now-warm hand out of the blankets and sighed as she sat on the bed and leaned against the pillows. “Alec wouldn’t like that.”

“Then maybe Alec should have come up with a cover story.” Jace griped.

Izzy sighed and Jace felt instantly bad. It wasn’t like Alec had wanted this to happen and Jace knew that this was kind of a big thing to drop on a new boyfriend (Who was he kidding? They were definitely boyfriends even if Alec wasn’t using the word yet. Jace was using it for him).

“Probably,” Izzy agreed, “But Magnus is going to realize exactly how not good this whole thing is. It’s not like telling Clary and Simon and editing it together to make it sound more glamorous or something.” Not that they had really gotten that opportunity but the point still stood.

That was definitely a downside. Magnus was going to be totally aware of what kind of demon bite this was the result of and the mortality rate. Hell, he might have even treated someone who had been bitten by it in the past. “What are the chances we can tell him Alec’s sick and he won’t demand details or come down here?”

“When Alec was lost in the bond, Magnus was here even against Aldertree’s orders. He threw Raj into a wall and knocked him out cold for trying to make him leave.” Izzy said and there was something satisfied in her voice. Jace could relate, he wished _he_ had the memory of Magnus knocking Raj out. The guy needed it, definitely.

For all that he loved the idea of Magnus throwing Raj around, it didn’t bode well for what they were dealing with now. “So you’re saying he wouldn’t stay away if we told him Alec was sick?”

“Probably.” Izzy agreed. Then she slowly added, “But if we told him Alec didn’t want him here? I mean, I would word it better than that but…” She trailed off like the words tasted bad.

Under the covers, Alec jerked in Jace’s arms. “Hey, buddy, you’re okay.” Jace tried to pull Alec’s face back from where it was burrowing in his chest so he could see if Alec was awake or not.

“Jace,” Alec mumbled, answering that question. Jace stopped pushing Alec back and Alec let out a shaky sounding sigh as he pressed himself against Jace.

“Hey, Alec,” Jace said softly. “You with me?”

There was a long pause and Jace felt like he was holding his breath waiting for Alec to say something. Once he got Alec’s soft, “ _Yeah_.” He closed his eyes and exhaled finally.

The bed shifted and Jace could hear Izzy moving around things on their supply table behind him. She was, if he was hearing her correctly, pouring some water for them. _Always a good idea._ “Izzy’s got some water for you. Can you drink it please?”

Alec shook his head a little frantically, “Can’t move.”

Jace took a second to just think before he said anything else. Alec sounded upset definitely, but he also sounded coherent. That meant he could still be reasoned with, which was _awesome_. “I know you’re thirsty.” Jace settled on reminding him, “Please, _parabatai_ , just have a little water for me?”

Alec stopped protesting and Jace tried not to feel too bad that he’d used a bit of guilt to get Alec to agree. It took some maneuvering, since Alec wasn’t willing to pop his head out from under the blankets for more than a second, but Alec drank about half of the water bottle that Jace held for him.

That was another thing that Jace had fantasized about that Magnus could actually make happen. Sure, they cranked the heat as much as possible but could Magnus make like an invisible bubble of hot air around them so Alec wouldn’t want to keep even his head under the covers? That definitely sounded like something Magnus Bane could figure out.

If Alec wasn’t so far gone yet that he wasn’t coherent, then maybe he’d have some idea what they did about Magnus’ texts. “Magnus is texting you, Alec. What are we telling him?”

“Jace!” Izzy poked his shoulder hard although it didn’t hurt nearly as bad as it could have thanks to the blankets, “We’re not stressing about that right now.”

“Hmm,” Alec mumbled, “Magnus?”

Okay, maybe not quite as coherent as Jace wanted him to be. Still, if anyone was going to tell them the right way to deal with Magnus, it was going to be Alec. “Yeah, Magnus buddy. What do we tell Magnus?”

Alec was silent for a long moment and for a split second Jace thought he’d gone back to sleep. Then, he felt the mixture of confusion and determination coming down the bond and he knew that Alec was doing his best to focus and answer Jace.

“Tell him…” Alec said slowly, “Tell him it’s a family thing.”

_A family thing_ wasn’t entirely a lie, Jace supposed, but he didn’t think Magnus was going to see it that way. “You sure?”

“Yeah,” Alec said a little more firmly.

Jace wanted to press his answer harder, to make sure Alec was really sure about what he was potentially doing to his relationship with Magnus. Maybe he should have done that before, when Alec was still really himself. Magnus wasn’t going to be happy about this lie, and he was _definitely_ going to see it that way. And maybe that wasn’t going to translate to _angry_ but the only other way it was going to go was _hurt_ , and Jace didn’t think that Alec had really thought that through.

Magnus seemed protective of Alec in a way that Jace appreciated. If Magnus decided to take this whole thing as ‘ _didn’t trust me enough to tell me’_ or _‘I haven’t given him enough reason to think I’d stay even if he was sick’_ then Alec was going to feel awful.

It was kind of too late now, though. Or at least, right this minute it was too late. Jace still held the out he’d given himself in his promise to Alec.

“Okay, Alec,” Jace said softly as he felt his brother slip back under into sleep. “Okay, we’ll tell Magnus it’s a family thing.”

_I just hope you don’t regret it._

**\---**

_Cold, cold, too cold, please, help me, I’m so cold…_

No matter how hard he pressed against the solid warmth in front of him, it wasn’t enough.

“Shh, Alec, Jace and I are here.”

Sometimes everything moved. The warmth, the covers, the bed itself. The whole world went swimmy around him and all he could do was cling to whatever was closest and beg for it all to stop. For the ice to leave his veins, for the pain to end, for the world to stop hurting him.

_I’m so cold, please, I can’t, I can’t…_

“Drink some of this for me, Alec.”

Someone was crying and it made Alec’s heart hurt even worse. Everyone was in pain, everyone was clinging and aching and hurting.

“I’m here, _parabatai_ , I’m right here.”

There was a gap in the blankets by his feet and Alec could only sob.

_Help, help, help, Jace please…_

**\---**

Jace wasn’t sure how much more of this Alec could take.

Izzy had started marking each hour as it went by as though they were victories in battle. They were, sort of. It was the same battle, over and over again. Alec kept winning but the victory didn’t last as long as he deserved it to. Just in case Jace ever got too cocky, in case he ever forgot how badly he could fail, here was his proof – _this is your fault, you let this happen to him –_ over and over again. Each hour and then again in however many months or, Angel willing, years it took for this to happen again.

They’d given up on getting Alec to eat. It wasn’t happening and the effort only made Alec get more upset. They had to save every swallow they could get out of him for water.

The second phase of this had been going for a full day now and Jace had only left the bed twice. Even now, after a quick shower and a bathroom break, he paced awkwardly around the room. Full of restless energy that he needed to get out before he went insane but he wanted to go back to Alec so badly it hurt.

Izzy’s soft voice drifted over to him, her words were mostly little nonsense phrases of comfort because Alec was too far gone to register much more than tone of voice, but Jace was the one clinging to it.

_“It’s okay, we’re going to get through this.”_

_“I love you.”_

_“We’re okay, I promise. I promise, big brother.”_

And over and over again.

For the millionth time, Jace wished it was him who had been bitten that night.

A soft knock on the door caught Jace’s nearly shattered attention and he started moving to answer it but whoever was on the other side opened it before he got there. For a horrible second he thought it would be Aldertree, come to stare at Alec.

Then he caught a flash of red and he relaxed. It was just Clary. Or, he saw as she came in and made room for the person behind her, Clary and Simon.

“How are you?” Clary asked before Simon had even shut the door behind him. She said it so earnestly, like how Jace was mattered.

He grinned at her but it felt more like a snarl, “Oh, great.” He said sarcastically. He didn’t even feel the usual flash of regret that ripped into him whenever he was less than nice to Clary.

If Clary minded, she didn’t let on. “How can we help?”

“Leave, honestly.” Jace dragged a tired hand down his face, “He wouldn’t want you here.”

“Well duh,” Clary said with an encouraging smile. She was so obviously trying and he could only snap at her because the other half of his soul was in pain, “Alec always wants me out of at least the tri-state area.”

“I’m pretty sure he would prefer me in Australia.” Simon added. He wasn’t even joking, not like Clary was. He said it seriously and Jace knew it was even more true than Simon realized.

A gasping sound came up from the bed and Jace clenched his eyes shut. “You should _leave_.” He repeated.

“ _Magnus… p-please, Magnus…_ ”

Six hours ago, the begging for Magnus had begun. That was when Jace knew Alec was truly no longer himself.

“We can go get Magnus,” Clary said slowly and Jace knew she realized how badly received what she was offering was going to be. “We can explain it to him and bring him back here.”

“He doesn’t want that.” Jace said shortly.

Simon looked nervously between the lump of Alec and Izzy under the mound of covers and Jace’s face. “It sounds like he does.”

“Don’t be fucking stupid.” Jace snapped. He shifted his weight, turning just enough of his shoulder so he wouldn’t be able to see Clary’s disapproval without making it look like he cared. “I’m not talking about _now_.”

“I think _now_ is way more important than, like, his pride later or something.” Simon protested. “I’m not sure what the problem is but Magnus doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to run screaming when things get a little tough.”

No, Magnus Bane didn’t seem like that kind of guy at all. At least not when he cared about someone. Jace knew that and he was pretty sure that Alec knew that just as well if not better. What his _parabatai_ was so afraid of, he couldn’t say.

Before Jace could say anything, Alec jerked almost violently under the covers and let out a strangled choking noise that sent Jace’s heart into overtime. Izzy’s soft, soothing voice went a little louder as Alec panted and sucked in air audibly.

“Alec!” Jace jumped onto the bed and knelt over Alec. His arms went around Alec as best they could. “Alec, you’re okay, just breathe.”

“Jace,” Alec panted and Jace caught a glimpse of Alec’s eyes, wide open and completely unseeing. They weren’t tracking anything around him, just frantically looking for something he was too far gone to make sense of. “Jace, M-Magnus... please, Magnus…”

Jace slid off the edge of the bed and started trying to sort through layer after layer of blankets so he’d find the one on the bottom to slip back into the bed.

“Jace, if he’s asking…”

“No!” Jace clenched the blankets in his fists and glared at Clary, angrier than he’d ever been. Not at her, because this wasn’t her fault. There was only one person who had done this to Alec. Alec coughed again and Jace flinched, “No, I won’t do that to him. I won’t. This is… I won’t hurt him any worse.”

Clary’s face fell and Simon’s eyes were wide. Jace turned away and finally managed to find the bottom layer of the blankets. He slipped under them as quickly as he could, desperate to get in without letting any cold air hit Alec.

Instantly, Jace felt too hot in the sort of way that would normally have him flipping the covers partially back more in frustration than anything else. That wasn’t needed now, not as he got close enough to Alec to feel it. His brother’s skin was almost frigid to the touch, like when Izzy complained she was cold and sneakily pressed her bare hands to his cheeks if he wasn’t sympathetic enough.

When she did that, Jace always shied away from her. Now, he pressed his chest to Alec’s back and wrapped his arms low across Alec’s stomach. Their height difference made the effort slightly more difficult but he managed to mold himself along his back, tucking his knees behind Alec’s.

Was it just him or did Alec seem a little stiff?

“Izzy…” Jace started haltingly.

“I know,” Came back instantly. Her voice was tremulous but with a strength that Jace didn’t currently have, she kept her tone as even and soothing for him as she did for Alec.

_Just a little longer, Alec. You’ve come this far, please, just a little longer._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Up: Magnus Bane
> 
> Feedback is love :)


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for reading, kudos-ing and commenting on the last chapter. The support has been awesome! I really love hearing everyone's thoughts, so please know I truly appreciate it!

* * *

**Chapter Five**

_\--- Interlude: Clary ---_

* * *

They fit together so well.

Clary knew what it felt like. She, her mother, Simon and Luke had all _fit._ Like they were meant to be together. She felt a little adrift sometimes, because right now they were still learning how to be around each other with all their secrets exposed. They might not fit at this stage but they would again.

Sort of how Izzy, Jace and Alec had been slightly shoved out of alignment for a while before finding their way again.

This was awful, what was happening to Alec. The sounds of pain coming from the bed, the way he shook even under all those blankets… She hadn’t been able to see him in hours but she could see the look in Izzy and Jace’s eyes.

If there was any silver lining in this, it was them finding their way again.

Jace – her actual, literal brother – was unraveling at the seams and it was painful to watch. Clary wasn’t a part of them, not yet anyway, and there wasn’t loads she could do to help. There wasn’t much they would _let_ her help with. 

She watched Jace crawl into bed with Izzy and Alec after laying himself raw in front of her and Simon.

_No, I won’t do that to him. I won’t. This is… I won’t hurt him any worse._

Gently, Simon tugged on her arm and pulled her back the way they had come. She resisted for a second. It seemed so wrong to walk away from them when all she wanted to do was make it better or easier on them or just less awful. They had done so much for her, more than she could ever repay.

There wasn’t any way to repay them out in the hall.

Still, Simon wasn’t letting up so she went with him out the door and waited until he shut the door softly before she opened her mouth.

In the same second that she started to say _we have to do something_ , Simon whirled around and whisper-screamed at her, “I’m going to Magnus!”

Clary gaped at him for a second. “Jace said Alec didn’t want that.” She reminded slowly.

“Okay, yeah, I heard that part but I also heard Alec Lightwood actually crying for Magnus.” Simon said in a panicked rush. He might have said he was going to get Magnus like it was a done deal but she didn’t need to be a Simon expert to see how stressed he was by the idea of it.

“I don’t know if we should…”

Simon held up his hands, “No, listen Fray, this is definitely how it should go. Alec is in a bad way, like a really bad way. Jace and Izzy look like they’re about to have strokes. They need help and we’re maybe not the best choices.”

The scowl twisted her lips before she even realized it. “Okay…” She said grudgingly, “Maybe not but going behind their backs to Magnus is big, Simon.”

“Which is why it needs to be me.” Simon sighed like a martyr. “Think about it. Alec already hates me. Jace is torn up about this and totally already feeling guilty. He and Izzy aren’t going to disobey Alec unless something drastic happens and I don’t know about you but I’m tired of drastic things going down. Someone needs to get Magnus. That someone should be me.”

The worst part was that it made sense. Clary agreed with Simon, Magnus could help way better than she and Simon could and Jace and Izzy desperately needed help. _Alec_ needed help. Whether he wanted to admit it for whatever reason or not, Alec wanted Magnus.

If Jace and Izzy were too worried about Alec’s reaction to go get the warlock themselves, Simon was a good choice.

Simon started slowly grinning at her, “I knew you’d see it my way, Fray.”

“I should go with you.” Clary answered.

That wiped the smile right off Simon’s face, “Um, no, the whole point of me going is so that you don’t end up in the crossfire of Alec’s rage, if there is any.”

“We can still tell everyone that you told Magnus.” Clary promised, “I’ll just be standing next to you when you do it.”

Simon stared at her, then at the door. If anyone knew how much Clary could argue, how _long_ Clary could argue, it was absolutely Simon. As shaky as her resolve was about the decision itself, she was absolutely certain that if Simon was going to tell Magnus then she was going with him.

After a few seconds, Simon pulled in a deep breath and gave her a goofy grin that sort of made the sickly nervous pallor of his skin even out. “Okay, I guess we’re doing this.”

“I guess so.” Clary echoed.

_They needed help. Alec needed Magnus._

_Jace said no, Jace would see this as her betraying him and his siblings._

**_They needed help._ **

She and Simon linked arms and the feeling of him pressed against her side, ready for this latest ill-advised adventure, made her feel slightly less nervous. The sick feeling in her stomach didn’t get any better though. What would Jace say when she came back with Simon and Magnus? Would he be angry?

If Magnus helped then Jace couldn’t really be angry with her, could he?

If she was a better sister, she wouldn’t even think about betraying Jace like this.

If she was a better sister, she would have done it already.

“You’re supposed to stay inside.” Simon whispered to her as they walked down the hallways. The whispering was maybe suspicious but it was also necessary because they were out of the quieter living quarters area and getting closer to busy Ops with every step they took.

“Should we go out the basement?” Clary suggested. That wasn’t entirely a solution to the problem, though. The Clave and their insistence that she stay inside was one thing. Valentine was another, bigger thing.

Simon shook his head quickly, “There’s cameras, a lot of cameras. I nearly walked into frame like twenty times and Izzy had to keep yanking me back. But I have an idea.”

“Okay, what is it?” Clary asked. The doors out were looming in front of them. Luckily, the coast was mostly clear.

“Don’t yell.” Simon said and before Clary could really register the order, he scooped her up in his arms and started running.

Running at vampire speed.

The world rushed past her eyes at an almost dizzying speed. It felt sort of like when she and Jace had stolen that motorcycle – wicked fast with the wind beating against her cheeks – except Simon running wasn’t as smooth as any kind of vehicle was. It was actually a little sickening, like she was on a messed up carnival ride. She groaned.

“Do _not_ puke, Fray.” Simon yelled into her ear. By now, the Institute was long gone and being quiet wasn’t as important as not puking her guts up.

“I’m trying!” She pressed her face to his shoulder and clenched her eyes shut. Maybe if she couldn’t _see_ the world flying past them, it would make the motion less jarring.

It helped. A _little._

Lucky for her, Simon was fast. What would have been a fifteen minute run for her was less than half that for him.

“Almost there,” Simon promised.

_Almost there_ meant another minute. She knew because she counted the seconds. By the time she hit the mid-sixties, the air around her got warmer and she heard a door click behind them.

“Take that, Valentine!” Simon gently set Clary down on her feet but kept his arm around her shoulders while she took a few deep breaths.

Now, they were safely inside of Magnus’ wards. Not the heavy duty ones around his loft but he had spells protecting the building too. She and Simon hopped into the elevator.

“Do you know what you’ll say?” Clary asked.

Being a vampire, not even a run was going to put a healthy flush back to Simon’s cheeks. Still, he looked particularly pale as the numbers climbed in the red light by the doors. “Not really.”

The doors opened. Time’s up.

Simon squared his shoulders and charged out of the elevator ahead of Clary. She was still half a hall away while he was pounding his fist on Magnus’ door like the rent was due or something.

“Simon!” She hissed as she came up beside him, “Nicer than _that_!”

The door opened and Magnus’ eyebrow was already arched. “Yes?” He asked in a voice that was deceptively civil. That he was annoyed was obvious. “What new demand do you two have for me?”

“Actually, this isn’t about us.” Simon said, which was true. “Can we come in?”

“ _Please_!” Clary rushed to tack onto the end, “May we please come in?”

Without anything more than a withering look, Magnus turned around and walked back into his loft. Clary felt sort of like she was being dismissed but he also hadn’t slammed the door in their faces so that was probably as good as an invitation as they were likely to get. She and Simon darted through the door before Magnus had the chance to change his mind.

It was maybe not a good sign that he was already pouring himself a drink. Although, maybe it didn’t really matter? She had probably seen Magnus _with_ a cocktail more than he was without one.

“Have you ever heard of a _pruinae_ demon?” Simon blurted out while Magnus’ back was still to them.

The warlock froze for just a second before he poured a red liquid into his drink. Clary couldn’t get a good enough look at the bottle to tell what it was, but it was dark enough that it made him look like he was drinking a martini glass full of blood. “If there is a _pruinae_ demon loose in New York, I can’t overemphasize how desperately you two need to stay away from it.”

Magnus didn’t need to warn them. Seeing someone as strong as Alec Lightwood reduced down to sobbing was enough of a warning.

“Actually, we met someone who was bitten by it.” Simon said with his hands sort of outstretched like he was gearing up to tell Magnus a story. “Years ago.”

“Then that person is incredibly strong… and lucky.” Magnus dropped down into one of his armchairs and cross his legs with a more elegant flourish than Clary was capable of.

Simon nodded a little frantically and Magnus seemed to be settling into more bemusement than annoyance. It didn’t escape her attention, though, that his phone was on the coffee table face up and that Magnus’ eyes were cutting to it every so often.

Waiting for word from Alec, maybe?

“Yeah, definitely. Like, did you know that the poison never really goes away?” Simon sort of babbled, “Like it just happens again and again and again?”

Finally, Magnus’ expression softened a little bit, “I did know that. If you’ve come to ask for help, I’m sorry to tell you that magic can’t heal _pruinae_ poison. In fact, the interaction between the poison and magic will only intensify the symptoms a victim is experiencing. With an illness so violent, that can mean the difference between life and death.”

Clary bit her lip, _we’re going to break his heart._

“Um,” Simon said slowly, “We, um, we’re actually not here to get a warlock’s help. We’re here to get _your_ help.”

“I _am_ a warlock.” Magnus tilted his head forward like they were slow.

“It’s Alec.” Clary blurted out. “Magnus, years ago Alec was bitten by the _pruinae_ demon and he lived, obviously, but the sickness is back again and he’s… it’s really bad.”

Magnus had gone so still he seemed like a statue. Clary wasn’t even sure he was breathing for a second. “Alexander?” He asked softly.

“We’re not supposed to be telling you.” Simon looked over at Clary with a mixture of exasperation and gratitude. “He wants it to be a secret. I don’t get why but he made Jace and Izzy promise not to tell you. But like, he’s crying now and he was calling for you, and Izzy and Jace need help. More help than they’ll let us give them.”

His eyes were on his phone again, “He texted me a few hours ago but it was… not like him.”

“Izzy, probably.” Clary winced, “Maybe Jace.”

“Why are you two here,” Magnus took a liberal swig of his drink and that _had_ to burn going down. “If Alec said he doesn’t want me to know?”

“I know it sounds bad.” Clary started and that was a huge understatement. The only person who could explain why currently couldn’t so she was left tearing up Magnus’ heart over Alec’s lack of trust or whatever it was. “But Magnus…”

_“… Jace, M-Magnus... please, Magnus…”_

Alec’s wrecked voice echoed in the suddenly silent loft. Simon held his phone in his hand halfway out to Magnus like an offering.

Magnus stood and his drink fell to the floor as his hands clenched into fists. His eyes were trained on Simon’s phone like it was Alec himself.

_“Jace, if he’s asking…”_

_“No!”_

Then came Alec’s cough, a ragged thing that made Clary’s heart ache just to hear it.

Magnus looked gutted and Clary was relieved when the recording cut off then. It was cowardly, especially since she had brought all this pain to Magnus’ door, but she couldn’t help it.

She didn’t know what else to say. Simon seemed just as lost.

Without a word, Magnus flung his arm out and conjured a portal.

“Jace’s bedroom.” Simon said in a voice that sounded closer to a squeak. “Do you know where that is? Nevermind, just um, hold onto my hand and I’ll lead the way.”

Based off the look on Magnus’ face, Clary quickly stepped between the two of them and offered Magnus her hand instead. Magnus took it but the way he held himself felt tense and like he was holding back. The skin she was touching almost felt electrically charged and her hair started standing on end.

The three of them came through the portal straight into Jace’s room. Izzy had her head poking up from the blankets but there was no confusion on her face. None whatsoever.

“By the Angel.” She breathed out at the sight of them.

Alec was still under the covers making some sort of sound halfway between a whimper and a moan. Magnus flinched.

For a second, no one seemed to be able to move. Izzy clearly didn’t know what to say and Magnus seemed to be just as frozen. Then, Izzy ducked back under the covers and started whispering something, probably to Jace.

She was about to be in major trouble.

Magic lit up Magnus’ fingers and for a second she thought maybe he had forgotten about not being able to use magic on Alec. Then, he flung balls of magic towards Jace’s windows that flattened into sheets as they went. They seemed to stretch over the windows before going invisible. Sealing up the drafts, she realized.

The same thing happened to the doorways, then again towards the high ceiling, trapping all the hot air in closer to Alec. Another sheet of magic domed over Jace’s bed itself.

Izzy’s popped back out to watch with wide eyes, “That’ll help next time we need to get him to drink something.”

Instead of saying something, _anything_ , Magnus went to the end of Jace’s bed and crouched down. He flipped up the edge of the blanket and shot more magic underneath. The darkness flared red for a second and she was pretty sure he was making some sort of heater spell under there so the warmth would rise up through the mattress.

“I can’t let it touch him.” Magnus said as he straightened up. He was closer now, close enough to reach out and touch Alec with his own hands, let alone his magic. Still, he didn’t make that move to close the gap between them. “I don’t know what magic would set off the poison and I don’t want to find out.”

“Pretty much everything sets it off,” Izzy said softly, “The warlock Mom and Dad hired to help the first time nearly killed him trying even the smallest spells.”

Magnus’ jaw visibly clenched and Clary’s first instinct was to go up and lay a hand on his shoulder or do something else comforting, but self-preservation made her check herself. Magnus still looked about ready to explode out into a thousand shards of cutting magic and unrestrained, furious hurt.

The look on Izzy’s face said that she could see it just as easily as Clary. “Magnus, you’re immortal. Why would you want to deal with this?”

Magnus sucked in a breath and curled up his lip, he was so obviously disgusted to have been asked such a question, “Alec isn’t something I _deal with_! I don’t care what happens, I want to know about it!”

“He’s mortal, a Shadowhunter and a survivor of a _pruinae_ demon. This is just going to keep happening. If not this then something else. You could just walk away and save yourself a lot of hassle.” Izzy pressed harder.

A red sort of aura flared around Magnus. His magic, angrier than Clary had ever seen it. His whole body was taut with tension. “I’m not walking away. I’m never walking away unless he asks me to. How dare you say that his mortality means anything other than me worrying more? How could you think I would be so selfish or shallow? Hassle? What is hassle when the reward is far greater than the effort put into sustaining it?”

A slow smile had been dawning on Izzy’s face, happy even though she was deliberately angering one of the most powerful warlocks in existence.

“That was perfect,” Izzy said with a nod, “Remember how you said it so you can say it to Alec later. That’s what he needs to hear.”

Magnus pulled in a sharp breath and stared with wide eyes at Izzy. “What?” He asked incredulously.

“Magnus, you know my brother.” Izzy’s voice went a little gentler in the face of Magnus’ bewilderment. “ _Of course_ he’s afraid that this is asking too much of you. _Of course_ he’s worried about his mortality versus your immortality. It wasn’t so long ago that you kept him going when his soul got stuck looking for Jace’s. He’s obviously afraid of you deciding you don’t want to deal with all of this and leaving him if you’re confronted with another crisis so soon after the last.”

“I…” Magnus almost slumped, all the tension draining from his body so abruptly that he swayed in place.

Before any of them could say anything else, Alec started harshly coughing under the covers. Not just a single huff, but a series of hacking coughs broken up by gasping breaths as he tried to pull in air.

Izzy slid down closer to him in seconds. Clary could hear her and Jace’s voices muffled but clearly trying to sound soothing even though they were afraid.

Magnus came around the side of the bed, his hands hovering over top like he didn’t know what to do. It didn’t help that they kept Alec’s head under the covers mostly, so he could even really see anything. He bit his lip before snapping his fingers so a hot mug of something steaming appeared his hands. Then, he traced a finger in the air over the mug and a little snake appeared out of the top.

As though he was conducting a symphony, Magnus used his finger to direct the lengthening snake down and around the covers.

“It’s a straw.” Simon said with a soft little laugh.

Once the snake/straw was under the covers Clary heard Jace say, “Come on, Alec, try some of this.”

The snake jerked and Clary knew it was because Jace had touched it. Once he did, it immediately turned back into a straw. Nothing magical about it, nothing strange other than the length.

There was no hesitation in Jace’s voice, nothing. Jace hadn’t seen Magnus do anything and he couldn’t see what the straw led to. All he knew was that they had a clever warlock who had just loudly declared his intentions about Alec and that something that might help was being presented to them.

It was sort of like the world’s longest and least silly silly straw. Clary watched the liquid travel down so Alec didn’t need to sit up or leave his cocoon to drink. Slowly the coughing tapered off and the cup was drained to halfway.

Even though everything was still horrible and Alec was still really sick Clary felt something in her heart lighten.

She had helped.

And maybe later Alec would be pissed or Jace would tell her he regretted trusting her and those things would suck but neither of them would be able to deny that she had really, truly helped.

Finally, she was paying down some of the balance of what she owed them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Up: Alec hits the lowest point with Magnus and Jace at his side
> 
> Feedback is love :)


	6. Chapter Six

* * *

**Chapter Six**

* * *

“Keep breathing, you’re okay, we’re okay, keep breathing Alec.”

The words sounded distant but Alec clung to them all the same.

Each breath _hurt_.

“We’re here, Alec.”

It was only the pain that convinced him that he was too.

Someone was crying. Weird, shaky sobs that made his head ache.

His chest felt tight, stiff, like he had Izzy’s whip wrapped around it.

“Please…” He whispered but the word came out half strangled.

“Shh, darling, shh…”

“Magnus.” Alec said. He knew that voice. He knew the hand wrapped around his.

Magnus was beside him. He had come, even though Alec was a wreck of a human. Even though he was weak and unworthy. Even though he wasn’t strong enough to move, let alone stand beside someone as powerful as Magnus Bane.

“I have you, Alec.” Magnus crooned softly, “Hush, sweet boy, you’re all right.”

He pulled in another wavering breath. His limbs felt numb but there was something blazing warm in front of him and pressed against his back. His fingers on his free hand were clenched tightly to the warmth in front of him and they seemed locked in place, aching from the tight grip. “Hurts.”

“What hurts?” _Jace_. It was Jace. The point of warmth pressed to his forehead was his _parabatai_.

“Jace.” Alec sobbed. He couldn’t help it. He was beyond caring about anything but this pain and cold that he couldn’t escape.

It was him, he realized.

He was the one crying.

“It’s just a little longer, Alec. I promise. Your temperature stopped dropping, you’re almost done, I swear. You’ll be warm again soon. Just stay with us, okay? Just keep breathing and stay with us.”

The words flitted in and out of his brain, not making sense. Nothing made sense really.

Even though he had realized he was the one crying, he couldn’t do anything to stop it. It was like his body wasn’t his own anymore. He couldn’t move right, couldn’t breathe right, couldn’t stop the tears.

There wasn’t anything of him left, almost, just the cold and the pain.

“How does it usually go?” Magnus whispered.

“If this was like the other times, his temperature will start rising in about six hours. This hasn’t been like the other times.”

Six hours.

How long was six hours? How many hours had he already endured?

Time didn’t feel like it was moving.

“What do you mean?”

Jace’s hands, familiar as his own, covered his own and his fingers rubbed as though trying to encourage Alec to let go. That was impossible though, his fingers were frozen solid. “I can’t.” He said to Jace.

“You can.” Jace said back in a split second. “You can, Alec. You’re not leaving me.”

The warm arm around his belly tightened, “You’re so strong, Alexander.”

He didn’t feel strong.

Magnus pressed a kiss against the back of his neck. Something soft and barely there but it gave him the strength to pull in another, deeper breath.

“What do you mean?” Magnus said again.

Jace sounded so worried, “This hasn’t been like the other times. It all happened too fast but this middle part has been as slow and awful as ever.”

“You’ll explain everything better.” Magnus said after a moment with a voice of steel, “When this is over, you’re going to tell me everything.”

“He should.”

“He _will_.” Magnus said. “But you’ll explain too, and Izzy. I want to know everything. If there’s a minor detail one of you might think of that the others don’t, it will be worth hearing the same thing three times.”

Guilt welled up in Alec, even though he wasn’t really sure why. “S-sorry. I’m sorry.”

Another kiss was pressed to the back of his neck. Firmer this time, as though Magnus wanted him to really feel it. “I’m not mad at you, darling.”

Alec wasn’t sure how that could be true but he clung to the words all the same. Even as the exhaustion pulled him back under, he wrapped the sound of Magnus’ voice around him.

**\---**

When Alec woke next, he was coughing.

The pain was worse than the breathlessness. He’d had broken ribs before, been stabbed, been thrown a dozen feet back into a wall…

This hurt worse.

Every inch of his body felt so frozen it was hard to move anything. Getting his chest to expand to breathe took almost more focus than he had. Each tiny motion of his chest felt like he his ribcage was being ripped apart.

Everything was muffled as the gasping breaths and harsh coughs dialed his senses down to nearly nothing.

_“-exander… bre… please!”_

_Hurts, please, help me…_

Something pressed against his face, sort of like a mask and Alec flinched back into someone’s chest. When he tried to gasp in a breath next, the air was warm and wet, as though he were in a shower.

“… that’s it, that’s it darling.”

There were tears in that voice, but Alec clung to it all the same.

The pain was still there, still awful, but it eased enough that he could pull in half a breath.

When he went back under, his heart was still pounding.

**\---**

“Stay with me, big brother. Stay with me, okay?”

She was crying.

He hated it when she cried.

“Please, Alec, stay with us.”

**\---**

Jace stood at the edge of the bed half doubled over.

They were so close. _Alec_ was so close. It had been five hours since his temperature had stopped dropping. Every second that ticked by, Alec was closer to guaranteed survival.

But Jace could still feel him pulling away.

This was torture and it was a hell of his own making. A punishment that was never ending. Either he got the agony of watching Alec go through this and feeling him be stolen by the venom of a long dead demon or he would lose Alec to it and Jace would cease to exist.

The door to his bedroom cracked open and Jace knew without turning who it was. She came sometimes, checking on them and never speaking. She knew what she had done.

“Jace?” Clary asked as she crept closer to him as though he were a demon that might attack her if she wasn’t wary enough.

Under the blankets, Magnus ceaselessly encouraged Alec. His voice wasn’t a soft croon like it had been in the beginning. He wasn’t whispering as privately as he could into Alec’s ear anymore. That was gone. He, Alec, Jace and Izzy had laid under those covers in different combinations for _hours_ , all of them terrified and heartbroken. There was a strange sort of intimacy in that. Magnus didn’t keep his voice lowered anymore.

Magnus didn’t keep the love from his voice either. It was so obvious. Jace didn’t understand how Alec wasn’t seeing it.

Except he did understand – it wasn’t that Alec didn’t see it, it was that he wouldn’t let himself believe it.

“Jace, talk to me.” Clary said a little louder. She would have been safer away from him – wasn’t Alec teaching her a good enough lesson about loving Jace? – but Clary was too brave for her own good. Her small, strong hand went to his shoulder and having someone warm touch him was jarring.

“What do you want me to say, Clary?” Jace said finally.

_“Breathe, Alexander. Breathe, sweetheart. We’re here.”_

Jace managed to tear his eyes away from the bed to turn to Clary. She was biting her lip and it looked swollen and red like she had been doing it a lot. “What do you want me to say?”

He knew what she wanted him to say. That he understood why she had gone for Magnus. _He did_. That he wasn’t angry with her for doing it. _He was grateful_. That Magnus was helping. _He was._ That she was forgiven. _She was_.

Instead of answering, Clary pulled him into a hug.

They had been _so careful_. Don’t touch. Don’t look too long. Don’t love her any different than Izzy. He was trying so hard to be the brother she deserved.

All of that fell away. He felt like his heart had been scrubbed raw. He wasn’t strong enough to pretend. He clung to her.

“He’s going to be okay.” Clary whispered into his ear. “You and Izzy and Magnus are going to help him and he’s going to be okay.”

The universe seemed to always bend for Clary. Everything about her went against the usual order of things, like she was a miracle maker just by virtue of her determination. If she said Alec would be okay and if she had put her mind to making sure of it, wouldn’t that be enough for another impossible Clary Fray victory?

It had to be.

He would do _anything_.

\---

Alec had nothing left to give.

Every reserve of strength he had was empty and had been replaced with an insidious cold that wrapped itself around his heart and tightened until he could feel the beat flickering.

He was _so tired_.

“You can’t leave me yet.”

Magnus’ voice was like the softest whisper at the back of his mind. Like he was far away but still close enough to speak tenderly.

“Please, darling, don’t leave me. Fight this, _please_.”

_I’m not sure I can_.

“I need you, Alec. Stay with me.”

Something wet hit his cheek. Was he crying again?

No. It was Magnus.

_Magnus’ tears_ felt like searing brands against his skin.

“Everything is about to be so amazing, don’t you see? We’re on the edge of bliss, you can’t go yet. Stay, please. Stay for Jace and Izzy. Stay for Max. Stay for _me_. Please.”

He wasn’t sure how much longer he could fight… but if Magnus Bane cried for him and begged him to try, then Alec couldn’t let go. Not yet.

**\---**

Every muscle in Jace’s body was tensed as he eased the thermometer out of Alec’s ear.

It had been six hours since Alec’s temperature had stopped dropping but nothing was getting better. Not the ice in Alec’s veins, not his shallow breathing and not his faint heartbeat.

He looked at the read-out on the screen and felt his already shattered heart break a little more.

“Jace?” Izzy said softly.

He didn’t have to speak, when he met her eyes she knew.

**\---**

When the seventh hour hit, Jace tried again.

Magnus spoke to Alec, saying the same sweet things to him as he had been for what felt like an eternity, but his eyes were locked on Jace.

When Jace looked at the screen, he stared at it too long.

Magnus’ voice faltered.

“It’s going back up.” Jace said as tears burned his eyes.

The warlock let out a breath that sounded like something between a laugh and a sob. There was relief in it though, relief so potent that Jace could feel it as well as hear it.

“That’s it, my darling,” Magnus kissed Alec’s cheek, “You’re so strong. You’re doing so well.”

Alec wasn’t out of danger yet, he was still far too cold and the venom was still wreaking havoc on his weakened body, but having this proof that Alec would be out of the woods soon eased the vise around Jace’s heart.

In a few hours, Alec might even wake up and be himself again. Jace had spent so long pressed against his brother but somehow he still missed him. Having Alec awake and talking to him would be such a relief.

They weren’t there yet, though. They just needed to get Alec through this last stage and things would get better. His _parabatai_ would get better.

It was amazing how a third of a degree could inject pure hope and determination into Jace’s veins.

**\---**

As Alec’s eyes fluttered open, he realized his head was out from underneath the covers.

The sunlight stung his eyes, he had been in Jace’s cave of a bed for so long, but it still felt good to feel the warmth of the sun on his cheeks.

He laid there for a minute, taking stock. Every single cell in his body felt wrung out, exhausted in a way that not even battle touched. His chest ached, his head felt like it was stuffed with cotton and he wanted a shower in the worst way. A bath, maybe, although he had never really enjoyed them. He wanted to lay surrounded by nearly scalding water until he felt a little more human.

More than anything else, though, he felt relief. His own and his _parabatai’s_.

When he turned his head, Jace was sitting beside the bed with dark circles under his eyes and a grin on his face.

“You won.” Jace said simply.

Alec rarely felt proud of himself. He rarely did things _worth_ feeling proud about. When he saved Jace and Izzy from demons or themselves. When he taught Max something important. When his parents were pleased with him. When he walked away from the bleak life on one end of the aisle and towards happiness and freedom and love. Those things were tied to other people though. They weren’t really an accomplishment.

This though, winning the battle _again_ , this he could feel proud of.

It was stupid, he knew that. All he had done was lay there while the people who gave a damn about him did the work of keeping him going. It hadn’t been much of anything at all, really.

But he had been so afraid before. So cold and so tired and so _done_.

He was still here.

Alec smiled at Jace, a slow grin that matched his brother’s and was so wide it made his cheeks ache. “Thank you.”

“You never have to thank me.” Jace brushed those words aside easily, like he always did. Then, he hesitated. “How much do you remember?”

Almost every memory he had after the mission was hazy at best. “Not a lot.” He admitted.

Jace looked distinctly uncomfortable. He shifted in his seat and leaned in closer, opening his mouth before closing it abruptly.

“By the Angel, what did I say?” Alec felt his heart start to pound in panic.

Jace reached out for him, squeezing his shoulder through the mound of blankets he was still under. “Hey, nothing okay? That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out. I’ll, um, I’ll start from the beginning, okay?”

If Jace’s goal wasn’t to freak him out, then he wasn’t succeeding.

Seeming to realize that, Jace started talking quickly. “You know that Clary and Simon know, right?”

“Yeah,” Alec answered shortly. He appreciated Simon’s help when the mission went, predictably, south. He couldn’t say that he didn’t.

“Okay,” Jace nodded, “So, they heard you asking for Magnus. When they offered to go get him, I said no.”

_Magnus… p-please, Magnus…_

The sound of his own broken voice rose up from the back of his memory.

And with it came the feeling of Magnus’ lips against the back of his neck.

A rush of little moments and sensations came to Alec. How tightly Magnus’ arms wrapped around his stomach, keeping him pressed close to his chest. The way he spoke to Alec, a sort of encouraging lilting lullaby of words meant to keep him calm.

How absolutely wanted and cherished Magnus had made him feel.

“Simon swears up and down it was his idea. That he went to Magnus because Izzy and I needed his help and you wanted him even if you didn’t think you did.” Jace continued nervously.

It had never, _never_ , been about not wanting Magnus.

“It’s okay, Jace.” Alec said because he knew his brother needed to hear it. “Even if you had gotten him yourself, I would forgive you for it, okay?”

Jace nodded and though the motion looked strong and confident Alec knew it wasn’t.

“Hey,” Alec would have liked to sit up to try to meet Jace’s eyes better but he knew better than to try. “I’m not mad at you.”

“He only left an hour ago.” Jace said slowly, as though he was testing each word against Alec’s feelings from the bond, “When I said I thought you would wake up soon. He wasn’t sure he would be… he wasn’t sure you would want to see him.”

Alec shut his eyes.

The idea that _he_ had made Magnus feel like he wasn’t welcome or that Alec didn’t want him close was entirely his fault. “That’s not what I meant… when I said that I didn’t…” He felt a tear trail down his temple into his hair, “That’s not what I meant, Jace.”

“I know,” Jace said softly, thumb wiping the tear track away, “I know it isn’t, Alec. I think he knows too. He and Izzy talked about it a little bit.”

If Magnus knew then he wouldn’t have left but how could Alec fault him for it when it was Alec himself who told Magnus not to come? Or rather, told everyone around him he didn’t want Magnus to come and they had in turn told the warlock. The lie of it all would have to grate on Magnus too.

“Listen to me,” Jace shifted onto the bed to sit closer to him. His warm hand cupped Alec’s cheek, carefully turning his head so they were looking at each other. “I spent _hours_ under the covers with you and Magnus. We were all cuddled together, trying to keep you warm. He and I talked a lot, although mostly it was to you. Not going to lie, it was a little weird at first, hearing the things he was saying to you.”

Before Alec could react to that, Jace barreled ahead, “Not because it was a guy saying it or that I don’t like Magnus, I don’t mean it that way. Just that I was there while he was saying it. He cares about you _a lot_ , Alec.”

That a man like Magnus could feel so much for someone like Alec was still a little incomprehensible. And Magnus proved that he _did_ care about him in so many ways but sometimes Alec didn’t trust that he was reading his expressions or hearing his words or interpreting his actions the right way. Was he seeing things that were true or was he seeing them because he wanted to?

And even if he was reading Magnus right, did even Magnus really understand how he felt about Alec? They were _so_ different. Magnus was so much more than Alec could ever hope for.

The idea that the brilliant and shining Magnus Bane could want _him_ would never truly make sense.

It helped though, it eased just a little bit of that knot of worry in his heart that his _parabatai_ saw it too. That he thought Magnus cared for him as deeply as Magnus said he did, as deeply as Alec thought he might.

Jace had a strange smile on his face, “Get some more sleep, okay?”

Though he was exhausted, sleep was the last thing he wanted. What he wanted – what he _needed_ – was to go to Magnus. To make this right, to make him understand… except Alec wasn’t even sure he understood how he felt himself and he knew he didn’t have the words to express any of it.

“It’s okay, Alec,” Jace smoothed his hair back and the feeling of it only made him sleepier, “Magnus knows enough for now. You can talk to him when you wake up again. I’ll text him that you woke up and you were asking about him. That’ll make him feel better.”

Alec’s eyes fluttered shut even as doubt filled him. Would it? Would Magnus get Jace’s text and realize how sorry he was? Would he understand that Alec was only trying to save them from his own weakness?

“Sleep, Alec.”

Alec’s last thought before he fell back asleep was simply:

_I’m sorry._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're eager for more Lightwood siblings feels, a couple of days ago I posted a new story you might like! It's called In the Future and the Past and it's a post-season two fic where Jace gets accidentally deaged by a warlock. Sixteen year old Jace is left stuck in the future dealing with all of the changes that have come and the realization that he and his siblings, the two people he loves most, have lost their way. He is not happy and he's going to fix it no matter what. The story will feature text message angst, Alec staying conscious the entire time (literally a first for me) and a lot of sibling love.
> 
> Before you go though, please tell me what you think of this chapter! I love reading everyone's responses and they fuel my writing like you wouldn't believe!! :)


	7. Chapter Seven

* * *

**Chapter Seven**

* * *

Alec could feel how worried Jace was.

That wasn’t noteworthy, at least not lately. Jace was always blazing worry down their bond, lighting up Alec’s rune and soul with a concern that was tinged with regret and desperation and just a little self-hatred.

What was different, after just over a week of his brother’s near constant companionship, was that he couldn’t _see_ the worry too. Not just because he had convinced Jace to go into a different room and rest on his own for a while, that had been yesterday, but because Alec was going to Magnus’ loft.

He’d taken a cab at his sibling’s insistence. It had been everything he could do to keep one or both of them from joining him and probably walking him to Magnus’ door. He could count on one hand how many times he had actually been in a car, so he hoped the magnitude of the concession was clear to them.

When he had been dropped off at Magnus’ building he texted them, just to make sure nobody freaked out and barged into the loft on a panicked rescue mission.

From there, he stood in the hallway and just… _didn’t_ go knock on the door.

This was the fastest he had ever managed to haul himself out of bed, into regular clothes and out into the cold air beyond the cocoon his siblings made for him. Every other time he would still be a shaky mess.

Honestly, even this time he was still a shaky mess. His limbs were trembling, his skin sort of itched from having been cold for so long to only now defrosting and he felt about a strong as a toddler.

But he couldn’t wait to speak to Magnus a second longer. He couldn’t bear to let the silence between them lie.

Izzy had offered to call Magnus and have him come to Alec but the thought of _summoning_ him to his bedside like that made him feel disrespectful and just generally selfish and awful. And calling or texting was too impersonal. No, Magnus deserved the conversation in person.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and Alec took it out to see a text from Jace.

_Jace: Go in_

A rush of fondness came over him. Of course Jace could feel his nervous hemming and hawing and knew him well enough to interpret it.

_Jace: He’ll be happy to see you, promise_

Alec bit his lip and took a step closer to the door. _Happy_ was maybe a stretch, he was only hoping for _not angry_.

He knocked.

No one came.

A full minute went by and Alec didn’t even hear footsteps.

The idea that after all of this Magnus was actually out of town was kind of hilarious.

Just in case, he knocked again. Softer this time because if Magnus _was_ in there and he just didn’t want to talk to Alec then he had no right pounding on his door.

When no one came, he reluctantly put his hand down and stepped back.

And then the door opened.

“I’m not seeing clients right now, you’ll have to call to… _Alexander_.”

Alec was expecting stilted politeness. What he got was his name said with such shock and affection that he blinked, completely thrown, before Magnus stepped through the doorway and pulled him into a hug so tight it almost stole his breath.

“Alec,” Magnus breathed into his hair, “You’re okay.”

He shut his eyes against the burning and wrapped his arms around the warlock as hard as he could.

“I’m sorry,” Alec blurted without really meaning to. “I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry, Magnus.”

“Wait, wait,” Magnus pulled back from him and it almost physically hurt to be separated. The warlock grabbed his hand and led him into the loft. “Why are you out of bed? Shouldn’t you be resting? It’s chilly today, you shouldn’t…”

“I couldn’t wait.” Alec interrupted his semi-frantic questions tentatively, “I’m sorry to just come over without asking and bothering you but I couldn’t _not_ talk to you anymore and it didn’t seem right to try over the phone.”

Magnus brought him to the couch and pulled him down next to him. Then he snapped his fingers and a warm, knitted throw blanket that seemed absolutely not Magnus’ aesthetic but also looked incredibly cozy appeared. He wrapped it around Alec’s back, crossing the ends over his chest so he was essentially wearing a blanket poncho.

“Darling, you didn’t need to come all this way to do that. Please don’t tell me you walked here.” Magnus asked worriedly. He looked about a second from shoving a thermometer under Alec’s tongue, although he wasn’t actually sure if that was how warlocks took peoples’ temperatures.

He shook his head, “I took a cab, actually. Jace and Izzy made me. It was about the only way they were willing to let me come.”

“You could have asked me to come to you or I could have opened you a portal.” Magnus pressed the issue.

“I didn’t want to demand you come see me. I… after all of this, I didn’t have the right.” Alec’s eyes darted away from Magnus’ face.

He saw the movement out of the corner of his vision but he still wasn’t expecting to have a kiss dropped onto his cheek, “I stayed away because I thought that was what you wanted.”

“I never _want_ that.” Alec denied, although he knew he had no right, “It’s never that I don’t want you to be with me, Magnus. I just… I just…” He huffed out a frustrated breath.

“Your sister said that you were afraid of asking me to deal with another mortal crisis so soon after the last.” Magnus’ voice was soft and sad. He reached out with just a finger and turned Alec’s head back to face him.

Alec laughed but even to his own ear it sounded kind of wobbly, “That’s what this will constantly be, Magnus. Another mortal crisis. And then another in a year or two, and if I’m lucky another and another until I’m dead. I’ll always get dragged back to that one demon.”

“When Clary and Simon started talking about a _pruinae_ demon I felt my heart stop.” Magnus admitted, “Just the idea that you might be called to fight one was terrifying and then when I realized what they were trying to tell me, Alec, I was so afraid.”

“I don’t want you to be afraid, Magnus.” Alec said seriously, “I don’t want you to have to deal with this for decades.”

Magnus leaned in and gave him a sweet kiss that Alec eagerly returned. That Magnus still wanted to kiss him at all made him the luckiest man alive.

When they broke apart, Magnus pressed his forehead to Alec’s, “I don’t know how to make you understand, darling.”

“Understand what?” Alec asked in a hushed voice.

Magnus’ eyes were so loving it was humbling, “That to me, you’re worth all of this and more. That I want to be here, even with things get difficult. The way you look at me, the way you stand up for me, how kindly and respectfully you treat me… Alec, it breaks my heart to see you hurt or sick. The thought of losing you, even though I’ve only known you a short time, is unthinkable. It makes no sense how deeply you’ve embedded yourself in my heart so quickly. _I want to be here, Alec.”_

“But…” 

Magnus shook his head quickly, “I understand you’re not immortal like me. Contrary to what you might believe, you’re not the first mortal I’ve been with. You’re not the first lover I’ve had to watch age and die. You might be the first Shadowhunter but I’ve been with soldiers before, so your lifestyle is familiar. My eyes are fully open. I _understand_ Alec. I understand what I’m choosing and I still want you.”

Alec crumbled and Magnus caught him, pulling him into his arms and holding him close. He had cried enough lately, more times than he could even remember. It should have felt demeaning or pathetic that he was doing it again in Magnus’ arms when he was meant to be there apologizing but the pressure of Magnus’ arms kept him grounded.

“I’m sorry,” Alec gasped out.

“I know.” Magnus promised, “And I forgive you.”

**\---**

When Alec woke up it was startling. Not because of where he was – in Magnus’ arms cuddling on his couch in a loft that sometimes felt more like home than the Institute did was a pretty wonderful place to find himself – but because he didn’t remember falling asleep at all.

“Are you with me, darling?” Magnus’ voice was quiet and fond, so he couldn’t have minded too much about being used as a human pillow.

Instead of sitting up, Alec just snuggled his head into Magnus’ shoulder. He never wanted to move again. How sweet would life be if he could spend the rest of it lying beside Magnus?

“Yes,” Alec answered. The word was simple and small but Alec hoped Magnus understood every emotion that went into it.

A hand stroked down his back, fingers leaving little trails of warmth that were their own kind of comforting. Alec’s memories of his dropping temperature were hazy but he remembered enough.

“You fell asleep, after.” Magnus explained. The discrete _after_ meant after his emotional breakdown but for once Alec couldn’t hate himself for the weakness. It had felt _good_ in a way that crying pretty much never did to him. “I texted your siblings, so they wouldn’t worry. Or so they would worry less, I suppose.”

“They’re going to be all over me for weeks.” In the mood he was in, he just huffed out a fond laugh. Later, he wouldn’t think their overprotective hovering was so funny.

Magnus pressed a kiss to his forehead, “And you’re to let them. This wasn’t some small cold you’re recovering from.”

“Trust me, I know.” Alec promised, “And I’ve been perfectly obedient since I woke up. They… I put them through a lot. I don’t want to make it worse when they stare at me worried I’m going to keel over right in front of them.”

Magnus just hummed and his arms went around Alec a little tighter.

Conversation lulls sometimes made Alec nervous. Was he being too boring? Was he too annoying? Could he not keep up and keep someone interested in what he had to say? With Magnus, it got easier and easier to deal with them. This wasn’t uncomfortable silence. It was just the natural flow of conversation between two people who just wanted to be near each other, even if the conversation came to a natural pause.

He wondered if Magnus understood that?

Did the warlock only see Alec’s unsure moments? Did he see all the ways that he _was_ comfortable in his presence? Did he understand what it all meant?

He couldn’t explain why but he genuinely believed that Magnus _did_ understand.

“Are you planning on saying anything to Simon and Clary?” Magnus asked curiously, breaking the quiet.

Alec couldn’t help but tilt his face up so Magnus could see his smile. The warlock looked down at him and grinned when he saw it, “They’re avoiding me as hard as they possibly can. It’s kind of nice.”

Magnus laughed, “Will you put them out of their misery?”

“And encourage Clary to escape the Institute if she thinks she has a good reason?” Alec almost shuddered at the thought, “Angel, no. I’m not going to say anything to either of them, that should be thanks enough. Besides, I’ve saved their annoying little lives enough times already. I don’t think they need an overflow of gratitude for doing the same just this once.”

That made Magnus stop laughing and Alec didn’t wonder for a second why.

He braced his arm under himself to lift his head up just enough to face Magnus properly. The warlock’s face was some mix of surprised and upset.

Alec leaned in closer and pressed a kiss to his collarbone, “I don’t know if I could have done that without you, Magnus.”

“Of course you could have,” Magnus said hoarsely, “Jace and Izzy would have kept you alive even if Jace had to follow you to the afterlife and drag you back.”

The thought brought a small smile to his lips. He had the best brother and sister in the world.

“This time was so much worse than the other times.” Alec settled on saying, “I... I didn’t think I could hang on any longer but then I heard _you_. I felt you crying over me. _You_ gave me the last little bit of strength I needed, Magnus.”

Magnus shut his eyes and a tear trailed down his cheek. It was entirely too familiar a place to find themselves again. The arm that Magnus had curled around his back came up to press Alec back against Magnus’ chest.

Alec went back down easily. He wasn’t as strong as he wanted to be but even he knew he needed time after what had happened. Besides, he was exactly where he wanted to be.

Magnus didn’t say anything but Alec understood all the same.

**\---**

When Magnus insisted on making him a portal to get back to the Institute, Alec didn’t protest even for a second. The only real question was about whether to portal into his own bedroom or into Jace’s because that’s where he had pretty much taken up residence.

In the end, he decided on Jace’s. He felt ready to sleep alone in his own bed again but he knew his siblings didn’t feel the same. Or at least, they didn’t feel the same themselves. He wasn’t unaware that at this point a lot of them sticking so close to him was for their own emotional health rather than his physical health.

He had been at Magnus’ for hours. Hopefully they had used that time for themselves, to unwind and relax or train some tension out or something. But he knew them well enough to know that they wouldn’t really relax until they could see him again.

It had been a lot to ask them to let him go to Magnus’ alone. Sleeping by himself was too much to add on to the day. Besides, it was comforting to him too and not just because Jace’s bed still had about half of the extra blankets on it.

When he came into Jace’s room with Magnus’ kisses still lingering on his lips, Izzy was already there.

“Have fun?” Izzy winked at him as the portal closed.

Normally Alec might have blushed but she was only teasing to tease and not because she thought there was even a ten percent chance something had happened. They both knew there was no chance.

Still, he threw a half hearted glare at her just to make her laugh.

“Glad you went?” Izzy tried again once her giggles died down.

Alec dropped down onto Jace’s bed and tried to work up the steam to lift his leg and start unlacing his boots. “Yeah,” He smiled probably kind of sappily, “I’m really glad.”

Izzy shut the electric kettle into its box, probably preparing to banish it back under Jace’s bed. He wasn’t unaware that Jace and Izzy stashed their _Icicle Alec_ supplies under Jace’s bed for easy access. “Good, I know you were really nervous.”

“And I know you talked to him before I did.” Alec reached over and caught her hand to tangle their fingers together, “Thank you, Izzy.”

Alec got a sweet smile in return, “Anytime, big brother.”

He let her go so she could keep cleaning up Jace’s room, returning it back to its usual state. If he stood up to help she would have had a fit, so letting her get on with it was about as much as he was probably allowed to assist.

Instead, he started in on his boots tiredly. “Please tell me you haven’t been cleaning up Jace’s room this entire time?”

“No way,” Izzy laughed, “Jace and I went to spar for a bit and then after I went to have a little spa time. I think Jace went to the library.”

“Good,” Alec said, “You guys deserved it.” His tired, uncoordinated fingers finally managed to get the laces undone enough that he could yank his boot off and think about starting the next one.

Izzy just sighed but luckily she didn’t decide to argue the point.

The door opened and Alec was relieved to see it was Jace, not Clary or someone else. His brother didn’t look surprised to see him at all, which probably meant he had felt Alec portalling and had decided to come check on him.

“Yes, it was a good talk. No, nothing _fun_ happened. Izzy already tried that joke so you don’t have to.” Alec said in place of a greeting.

Izzy laughed but Jace just smirked. He reached for Alec’s chin and tilted his head up, “I don’t know _parabatai,_ your lips look kinda swollen. Make out session?”

Alec jerked his head out of Jace’s grasp, “I hate you.”

“No you don’t,” Jace said as he crouched down in front of Alec to get his other boot undone.

“I was going to do that.” Alec protested without much conviction.

Jace had already gotten the laces undone, “Well now I’m doing it. Save your strength to get your own pants off.”

His _parabatai_ was an ass but Alec loved him anyway.

Alec’s body was starting to feel heavier and heavier and judging by the look on Jace’s face, he knew it. Before he got strong-armed into a nap, he stood up and reached out for the both of them. They came instantly, concern obvious.

He wrapped his arms around their shoulders and pulled them in so the three of them were standing in a tight circle, “I know I’ve said thank you already-”

“You have, so don’t again.” Jace cut him off.

Alec shot his brother a look and luckily he still had enough eldest sibling authority that Jace shut up. “I know I’ve said thank you already and that I’m sorry you guys have to deal with this. I wanted to say I’m sorry for how this time went down though. I know you get why and I know you’re not mad but I still have to say it, okay? I didn’t mean to make this harder by lying. I didn’t mean to put Izzy at risk on that mission. I didn’t mean to put Jace at risk having to come save me. And I didn’t mean to put you guys in a bad position by making you keep the secret from Magnus. I pretty much made every wrong choice and I’m sorry for that.”

“We forgive you,” Izzy said for the both of them. “Just maybe next time _tell us?_ Like tell us both, right away? I’m wondering if this time was so much worse because you pushed yourself so much harder? You _always_ push yourself too hard, Alec. We all know the venom is going to be tough to fight no matter what we do but if we can give in to what you need earlier next time, it might not get so bad.”

“I know a lot of it was because of what we’re dealing with right now,” Jace added, “But even if we were facing the largest demon invasion the world has ever known, I would find a way to make it safe for you to take time out. _We_ would find a way.” His eyes darted to Izzy’s to add her to the promise.

“I think I’ve learned the lesson. I’ll try not to forget it.” Alec promised. “I love you both so much. I don’t say it enough. I’m so lucky to have you two.”

Jace didn’t seem capable of saying anything but Alec could feel him well enough to not need words. Izzy pulled them both closer to her for a hug that said all the things Alec had just articulated just as well if not better.

He was so beyond thankful to have them.

**\--- Two Years Later ---**

Not even the warmth of the sun on his back, the heat of Magnus’ skin against his or the snug comfort of their bed could have fooled him into thinking otherwise.

It was still so early. The whole loft felt hushed and quiet. This was supposed to be a lazy day off for them. His phone was turned off at his siblings’ demand. If there was a catastrophe at the Institute, they said, they would text Magnus. Anything short of an insurrection from Edom could wait until tomorrow.

He ought to be grateful, he supposed. Last time the world had been chaotic and his body had betrayed him at the worst possible time. Now, things were as quiet as they ever got in the Shadow World.

That didn’t make this any better.

When he had opened his eyes an hour ago, his first thought was something sleepy about how the blanket had fallen away. That was how relaxed he was. It hadn’t ever happened before. Normally he just _knew_ without spending even a second trying to understand what he felt.

What else would be different this time?

The cold would still be there, leeching his strength away and leaving him a wreck of a man. There was no reason to believe that anything would be different at all. The venom hadn’t changed.

But Alec _had_.

He didn’t doubt the next week would be difficult. He wasn’t _not_ afraid of what was to come.

But this time, he wouldn’t let his threatened pride or his fear of being too much of a burden on his loved ones get in the way. This time he would be in the home that he and Magnus had made together, with Jace and Isabelle and Clary and _his husband_ at his side.

Jace would know when he woke up. After Magnus woke, Alec would tell him. Once that was done, he would call his sister and hopefully get her before she even reported to the Armory. He wasn’t keeping the truth from any of them this time.

This time, he wouldn’t fight them so hard.

This time, they would have a chance to really prepare.

About a week or so after Alec’s recovery last time, Magnus had questioned the three of them at individual lunches that they all later agreed felt more like interrogations. After that, his warlock hadn’t ever really mentioned the whole thing again. There was no doubt in Alec’s mind though that he had been preparing silently.

He felt Magnus shift a little, snuggling his face into Alec’s shoulder and letting out a soft sigh.

No matter what, he still felt guilty for what he was about to ask of them. What he was going to put them through. Magnus had so many plans for today. He treasured the days that Alec took away from the Institute, whether they spent them eagerly exploring another country or lazily exploring each other. Alec wasn’t sure he would ever stop feeling badly for what this did to _them_.

Magnus sighed again and stretched out along Alec’s side like a cat waking from a nap in a patch of sunlight. His eyes blinked open and he smiled sleepily at Alec, “Good morning, my love.”

Alec smiled at him and pressed a kiss to his forehead, “Hi,”

“Have you been awake long?”

“A little bit,” Alec hedged. He gently nudged Magnus’ head onto the pillow and turned onto his side so they could see each other better.

Alec wasn’t sure what expression was on his face but it couldn’t have been particularly happy because Magnus frowned, “Did you have a nightmare?”

_No, but we’re about to live one._

He smiled tightly, unwilling to say that thought aloud. “No, I slept great, but when I woke up…” He hesitated.

“Tell me,” Magnus commanded softly.

“It’s back.” Alec answered him simply.

When he didn’t say anything else, Magnus’ frown deepened in confusion. He studied Alec’s face, trying to figure out what he meant.

Alec could tell the exact second realization dawned.

“I’m sorry.” He felt compelled to say it here at the start.

Magnus shook his head and pulled Alec in close, “Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault.” His arms went tight around Alec, strong as ever, and the words were steady but Alec could hear the undercurrent of upset.

They laid like that for a few moments and already being pressed to Magnus’ warm skin made Alec feel better in a way that was as equally about Magnus himself and as about Alec’s chilled body coveting his warmth. Thinking about that too much was more than a little upsetting.

Slowly, Magnus pulled back, pressed a quick kiss to his lips before rolling away and jumping from the bed.

Alec sat up, a little confused, “Magnus?”

With no small amount of flourish, Magnus made his usual _wards_ gesture, as though he were dragging something up from the ground. Alec watched as the windows sealed up with sheets of magic and a dome formed over the bed itself. Then the bed changed, going higher off the ground, and the pillows behind him changed texture until they felt filled with down. The blankets altered instantly and Alec sifted through the layers of them slightly bemused. There were furs – ones that looked alarmingly real but also as though they had been made over two hundred years ago – then layers of shiny looking material, then knits and then another layer that seemed filled with down as well. On the very bottom was a blanket that had a remote control?

When he looked back up, the vanity was gone and in its place was a sort of modified version of Magnus’ apothecary table. The only difference, to Alec’s inexpert eyes, was that all of the magical ingredients had been left behind and only the mundane were represented.

His eyes couldn’t move fast enough, honestly. He was sure he was missing a good dozen changes.

When he looked back up at Magnus his mouth had dropped a little.

“I created a transformation spell specific to the bedroom for when the time came. I was, of course, a little optimistic that by the time you would need it you would be living here, but I want to reassure you that this is all transferrable or changeable. If you would be more comfortable in Jace’s room, I can move everything there.” Magnus offered seriously.

Alec held up a hand, “Back up, transformation spell?”

“A way to quickly transform our usual bedroom into something more suited to your needs.” Magnus explained, “I actually set it up over a year and a half ago and it’s been dormant until now.”

Alec was aware he was staring but there wasn’t much else to _do_.

“Magnus… you’re _amazing_.”

It was then that Alec realized the warlock had been slightly anxiously awaiting his review of this new set-up he had prepared so thoughtfully. Magnus’s rigid spine relaxed just a little and he smiled at Alec. “I hope I’ve thought of everything but I can certainly conjure things up as necessary.”

The warlock came around the bed and sat down on Alec’s side, reaching for his cheek, “Everything is going to be okay, I promise you. I’ve done everything I can think of to make this easier on you… and I meant what I said, Alec, if you’re more comfortable in Jace’s bedroom like the other times then-”

Alec leaned in and kissed him, cutting that thought off immediately.

When they pulled apart, Alec said, “I’m not more comfortable in Jace’s room. There’s nowhere I would rather be doing this than here, but thank you for offering. Thank you for _all_ of this.” _Thank you for not flinching away._ “I love you, Magnus.”

“I love you too.” The smile Magnus gave him was one that Alec didn’t get often and definitely not as frequently as he used to. It said that Magnus had genuinely been feeling a little vulnerable about Alec’s reaction but that Alec’s reassurance had been enough. That he had maybe been a little pleasantly surprised.

It was the last little bit of healing that Magnus needed from Alec’s lies all those months ago.

While Alec sort of adoringly stared at this man he had been lucky enough to find, Magnus’ fingers fiddled with the remote attached to the blanket.

“What is that?” Alec asked softly.

Magnus gave him a sweet sort of smirk, “Something I think you’ll really like. Mundane, yes, but still an excellent addition to your blanket mountain. It’s an electric blanket that warms up to three different temperatures.”

“Oh,” That sounded _awesome_ , “That does sound kind of-”

He was cut off by the sound of a portal opening in Magnus’ living room.

Alec sighed, “That’ll be Jace.”

Magnus stood and, with a snap of fingers, magicked them a few more articles of clothing. “Excellent timing, I want to explain the set up and see what he thinks. Stay here, love, and we’ll come back with breakfast for the three of us.”

And with a twirl of his robe, he was out the bedroom door to greet Jace.

From the living room he could hear the two of them talking softly, then got a trickle of pleased relief from the bond.

Alec leaned back against the pillows and just _breathed_.

Yes, this was awful and he didn’t want to do it again and he was scared, but as he looked around this room at all of the new things carefully chosen to help him set against a backdrop of the place that Alec felt safest in the world and listened to two people who loved him talking softly about how best to help him…

He knew he was going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO MUCH for all of the support for this story! I so appreciate it and you guys have all been so amazing!
> 
> I would love to hear what everyone thinks about the ending! 
> 
> Stay safe and again, thank you!


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